Square-Peg Reflections

The dead bird story

I went outside to water plants this morning. I had something big on my mind/heart. I was trying not to be worried. Trying to trust. I had this huge bucket that I fill, it takes forever. I could drag the hose to the veggie garden, but the hose is never gentle enough. And using the big can makes me pay more attention - to the plants, to me - all of it.

So, I'm glancing around the back yard as I wait for the bucket to fill. Oh, I see a fat robin. What' s up with him? He's lying belly up, legs in the air, beak wide open - like mid squawk. If he was killed how come I didn't hear him yell?

I figured he had to be dead: orange belly in the air, legs splayed, beak open...I wondered - maybe I should spray the hose over there if it'd reach. Nah, that's not good. Disrespectful if he is dead - scare the worms out of him if he's not.

He's dead though - no brainer.

The whole time I'm filling the enormous bucket he's lying there beak open, belly up. Yeah, he's dead...

I'm still filling my bucket - I decide to call for reinforcements - I mean, what's a son for? Figured I'd get him to get the dead bird and dispose of it.

I tap on the window, I talk to the dog who comes to see what I want. Finally get some attention from the man.This whole time the dead bird is maybe 25/30 ft away, not 6 miles away. Still he lies there - through all my noise (and I am soooo not quiet) - because he's dead.

Out comes man with bag. By this time I'm half way to the veggie garden with my finally-filled bucket. I look toward the dead bird's final resting place - only he's not there. Well, I'm at a funny angle. I ask: "Can you see the dead bird?"

"No"

I can't either. I come over so I'm more in line with where I was standing when I first saw him - and he's not there! Man points to a big fat robin dancing under the pine trees nearby and asks: "Is that him?"  (men! lol) Well, duh...how do I know? We were never properly introduced.

I said (laughing): "I don't know, he's not lying with his belly up and his beak open, I can't tell". We laugh.

No bird though...

But there was that fat robin not far away - under the pine trees. If a cat had, say - dragged the bird away in the few seconds when my back was turned I'd assume that the bird under the pines would've:

A) Left, who wants to stand around saying: "Next!"
or
B) Squawked like an SOB

But he didn't do either, so I'm guessing he was the "dead" bird.

I didn't "get" it until I was telling the story to a friend - I'd spent a lot of the morning praying/meditating - trying to put myself in The Light regarding the big thing that was worrying me.

And the moral of the story is:

Things are not always what they appear to be...the true story isn't always what your eyes (or mind) tells you
AND
maybe the true story is better than what you think you know.

But...you'll never know - so - just keep your eyes, mind and heart open..and enjoy the ride!
btw: do birds sunbathe?

Gratitude: Sacred Sunday

OK, gratitude. This is my third Sacred Sunday post..tho there have been five Sundays since I joined..um..what can I say? (Plus - shhh - it's not Sunday today!) Gratitude...but first a bit of a whine - the reason I've been AWOL around here (you noticed, right?) is that I've had a vicious case of poison-ivy!!

Yuck - and I mean yuck! I'm vitamin E, cocoa butter and aloe-ing the s__t out of my arms in hopes that I don't get permanent scars.

Just to plump that whine up a bit: this has been the most physically annoying period of my LIFE! Wacky spider bites, broken toes galore, etc, etc. The poison-ivy just topping off maybe 6 mos. of goofball body stuff. You are so lucky that I've spared you hearing about most of it.

And yes, I do know that there are some interesting ways to look at this stuff - metaphorical ways to examine body problems (Healing the Body Through Mind and Metaphor is an excellent book exploring that topic! Thanks, Ter!!).

But this was supposed to be about gratitude. I'm grateful that the poison-ivy itch is on it's way out! I'm grateful for beauty - like the picture here - taken at Morris Arboretum. Beauty reminds me to be grateful - reminds me of The Beloved - that I AM loved.

People. I am so grateful for the people in my life! Speaking of people - two incredible sweeties each recently sent me a blog award - Terri St. Cloud and Pattie Mosca - and I hope they will both forgive me for taking forever to pass the award on (I'll get to it, I swear - and you both know how I can swear...grin).

And the interent. I'm grateful for the internet. I am. I've met such incredible people through the internet. Some I've met online and then met in person, some I used to see in person, but now connect with on-line, and some I haven't met in person yet - but I've gotten to know them on-line and hope to meet them in person one day. Some I've gotten to know through the internet and hope to keep it that way (oh, not YOU! jeez).

While I'm on the people thing - I joined Facebook awhile ago - hoping to connect with people, do some networking - maybe revisit with people from college or highschool (where are you people?).

If you've got a Facebook account come on over and look me up! And if you don't - come over and sign up - I'll be your friend (aren't I sweet?).

Well, I could just go on and on - I'm in a very grateful mood. But I'm boring myself here - I had an idea - a thread to follow when I started, but it's gone off by itself somewhere...let me just say I'm grateful to be able to be back here. And I'm going to go away and think about putting those blog awards up. Now go bore yourself with some gratitude!

(Photo copyright: Lauren Caterson 2008)

Light and Dark

Sun and shadow. I love the way they play on our patio.

Not always so crazy about how they (shadows/dark) play out in my life (btw -  how's that for a magnificent seque??). 

This week I finished the landing page for Square-Peg-People's new mp3  "Choosing ME! Finding Comfort, Joy and Beauty in the Me I am NOW". It's about Body Image and being IN your body. Great Stuff!

Interestingly, this is also the week that I broke TWO toes. Baby toe on my right foot one day, baby toe on my left foot the next day. By walking into things - as if I wasn't present in my body. Kinda funny.

I'm teaching people to inhabit their bodies and yet I still sometimes forget to live in my own. I smack into (literally - grin) my own body-forgetfulness while I'm working on getting the word out about loving and living in your body. Huh?

Yes, it's like that for me a lot. I don't seem to grow from "don't know" to "know". 

I grow by standing in the "know" - wildly excited about and incorporating whatever I'm learning and then standing in the "don't know" again - and back and forth, back and forth. Light and dark, sun and shadow. That's how I "do" balance.

It's not like I plan that though - which is what makes it exasperating. I'd prefer to grow into knowing and then be done with whatever not-knowing was associated with that part of my life - forever.

Doesn't happen.

P.S. This fits with Sacred Sunday because, after all, what's more sacred than the mundane (Chop Wood, Carry Water - hmmmm)?

I Got Mine

I've been humming and singing "I got mine" - a bluesy tune by the Black Keys - since I first heard it a few days ago. While I'm attracted to the beat and the blues thing, it's the title (and the refrain: I got mine, oh baby I got mine) that's making me smile.

I got MINE, baby!

For a while now I've been working on learning the good lessons of life. Paying attention to what I'm grateful for (while acknowledging what I want). I'm all thrilled (and overwhelmed) at total-redo plans for Square-Peg-People. I'm all in love with the world - and every blessed thing it offers (mostly loving people SO much, the stories, the way people open up lots of times when I take the risk of going first).

So I'm humming along and singing "I got mine" and LIFE gave me a test.

While I was humming and shining like the sun - feeling so good about life in general and MY life specifically I got hit with a few bummer notes. Things I can't do a damn thing about, but are pretty bad - the biggest being repeatedly seeing someone I love get hurt, hearing stories around that situation that are very sick. And knowing it's totally out of my hands.

My shine - and my humming started to get smaller. And smaller. I almost swallowed it. I was trying to hold on, but felt kind of like someone going under for the third time. I had mine...

AND then I stopped...I looked down at my arm. I was wearing a bracelet that came in that day's snail mail.

The return address said "Blissmonger" and it took me a few minutes to remember that my friend Debra had started a site called Blissmonger awhile back. When I opened the package there was a cool bracelet inside - I put it on the minute I saw it. There was also a note that said: "To wear it is sort of like wearing red cowboy boots or glitter ~ a reminder of who you really are".

I don't know about cowboy boots (in any color) or glitter (well, suffice it to say there are times I've worn glitter - and there might be more in the future - but the folks who are invited to that party are few and far-between!!) but reading the note made me laugh out loud - and that IS a reminder of who I am!

And not just a reminder of who I am, but of what I'd been about. What I got.

I was having fun with life - loving life - humming and shining. And glancing at the bracelet caused me to remember the test.

I forgot to mention, it was a multiple choice question test. With one question:

LIFE EXAM

How do you want to live?

• a) in anger and a heavy "separate" feeling
• b) in confusion and fear
• c) in The Light, in LOVE, humming and shining and shouting "I got mine!" And sharing that with everybody you meet.

No brainer! I passed with flying colors! People who know me know how important that is - Slightly British Daughter actually puts "A+" on the top of my writing when she edits - even if it needs lots of work - because I soooo need to get an A (you think I'm kidding?).

I GOT mine, baby!

Of course the test (and life) would be a lot easier if the blechy stuff just stopped BUT that isn't how life is. So it comes down to how do I want to answer the test. Things got a lot smoother when I remembered that.

If we continue with the test analogy then it's obvious I cheated - Debra tossed me a crib sheet. But hey, what are friends for?

Wildly coincidental (or not, which is my preferred observation) - the bracelet is the exact colors we've got planned for Square-Peg-People when we do the big re-do!

Go say "Hi!" to Debra at her Etsy shop, Blissmonger.

Photo: copyright Debra Schanilec 2008

First Sacred Life Sunday Post

This is the first Sacred Life Sunday post I've done. Hard to believe, but I never saw Carla Blazek's "Zena Musings" blog before.

Besides the inspiring Sacred Life Sunday posts (and list - where you can join in!!!) she makes Zena Moon candles - and Slightly-British Daughter tells me she's been on Oprah! Thanks Slightly-Brit for sending me yet another incredible place to visit!

Ok, now on to my Sacred Life Sunday post - the picture above is outside a house I love, in a town I am drawn to - where I plan to live and host art/literature/philosophy salons (and have Square-Peg-People headquarters).

The light post in this picture makes me think of the one in the Narnia books  - which has always seemed to be a beacon - beckoning the kids back, reminding them of the Narnian world.

The post here calls to me - reminds me of my "calling" - which isn't any of the things I do for finances, or even any of the things I do for sheer joy regardless of their connection to my finances.

My calling is to remember to stand in my vertical connection to Source - to The Beloved. I don't have to DO anything, just remember  (although that's hard enough, because I mostly tend to forget). Having the vertical connection "right" informs my horizontal connections (people to people) as well. I can almost BE the light, or at least the post fixture for light to shine through.

so, here's my first Sacred Life Sunday offering: my wish is for you to stand in YOUR vertical connection and be light in your horizontal connections.

Thanks to John Welwood (through his marvelous books) for the vertical/horizontal "language".

(Photo copyright: Lauren Caterson 2008)

 

god doesn't like me?

Yesterday I knew that god didn't like me - or at least enjoyed messing with me.

I AM an easy target. I get my feelings hurt easily, I want to be the center of the universe. I whine. I'm someone it would be fun to tease because I can be so gullible.

Anyway, yesterday I was particularly miffed because god grants favors to my friends that I never get.

I have friends who say things like: "Whatever is out there, whatever guides the great universe - I NEED to know _______ (fill in the blank) and I'm not going to move from this place until I get an answer." And just like that - they've got their answer: the perfect plan, the name for their deformed pet, the location of their lost vacation home keys - whatever.

Not me!

I'll say the same thing - with the same conviction! Only I address god as "The Beloved"*. I get personal. And what good does it do me?

I sit there - and nothing happens - for a long time. Then I sit some more. And all I hear is - I swear - laughing. Deep, hearty chuckling. And I think I once heard: "hahahahahah, whaddya gonna do? hold your breath? hmmm..c'mon ms. smarty pants - do it...haaHaHAHA (escalating laughter)..."

Why this is I have no idea. THAT it is I have no doubt.

I feel like I should get at least equal treatment. Maybe preferential treatment. After all I'm on a first-name basis with "The Beloved", whereas my friends aren't even sure that "whatever is out there" is personal, for crying out loud.

Today I got an answer. Not yesterday when I was riding the storm, screaming into the wind "I'm not leaving 'til I get an answer!!" (and then fell asleep). Nope! But today. After I'd given up.

That's how it always is for me. I have to get really frustrated, totally give up (and it doesn't work when I fake it, I've tried), stop even wanting to know - and THEN I get an answer.

All I can figure is - we have to get past our comfort zone. I'm not sure what that means for my friends, but for me - I'm usually pretty sure that I CAN figure things out - I can reason through (where I got this hare-brained idea I have no clue - I am actually the last person to reason through anything - but it's a core belief regardless).

So - for me - getting to "I don't know" is key to getting help from the universe, from The Beloved. And I don't like it!

If there's a "Rate Our Customer Service Survey" put out by the Universe/The Beloved I intend to note that I am still pretty miffed about this. I want to be able to stand my ground (or sit, I like sit better) and say: "I NEED to know _______ (fill in the blank) and I'm not going to move from this place until I get an answer." And I want to get an answer - THEN - with no laughing.


*I don't claim to have a real bead on god. I'm not nearly as sure (about anything) as I was in my youth. I prefer to think of god as "The Beloved" - and skip all the God as mother/woman or father/man or any combination invoking some sort of great hermaphrodite in the skies.

Life is Grief

Life is grief! 

Thankfully, that's not all life is. BUT life is grief.

I have this deep desire that I'm starting to realize may never be satisfied. I probably have plenty of desires that won't be satisfied, but for now I'm looking at this one.

And, lest this post called "Life is Grief" become dark and heavy - LOL, let me say that I've had untold numbers of desires satisfied. Many of those satisfied desires came at me like an over-eager Dalmation - nearly knocking me over! Plenty were totally unexpected - beautiful gifts from the universe - that I didn't even know I desired!!

BUT - there's this one that's looking like it might die on the vine, so to speak.

I wrote about this last night to a dear friend - at that time I was thinking: OK, say I never see this desire fulfilled. How do I want to live my life?

And that seemed like the path I was going down - figuring out, thinking through - how do I want to live IF I never see this deep desire manifested?

Only -  this morning I woke up knowing there was something else. I needed to die to the desire. Or, I need to know that the desire is dead - grieve it and keep moving. The whole process makes me think of the spiritual traditions that say when you die your spirit lives on. So we can bury someone, grieve them, and know that we will see them again - but different(ly).

So - my thoughts in this now are along the line of grieving my Disney World-like underlying belief that because I deeply desire this it'll happen. I'm letting the grief in - or  maybe walking into it. And so...

Life is grief!

But what I've learned about grief is: it wakes me up, it brings an alertness and eagerness to live in the NOW that nothing else does. It brings me smack-in-the-face with emotions.

And I like that!! I do. Not that I'm saying "bring it on" - because, given the choice I'd probably run fast from pain. But there it is - life is grief and that's ok, even good! And out of this I'm going to get the thing I was talking to my friend about - I'm going to really find out how to live BIG even when I am missing the deep desire of my heart.

What I figure that will look like is related to the picture of Little Princess (above). She looks so eager, she's leaning IN to life. She's up to her gazebo in mud (life is messy - wear boots!), she has no idea what she'll find there - could be a diamond, could be a crocodile (both pretty much long shots, but hey! anything is possible) but she's IN it - there's an excitement, a brightness there that I am going to have.

And THAT desire I can be sure of, because it's one I control!

(Photo copyright: Lauren Caterson 2008)

Chicken Poop

                                                   
The Morris Arboretum is a place I love to wander around.

We were there a little over a week ago and were soaking up the beauty of Spring colors and blooms.

As we strolled along from favorite place to favorite place Little Princess told me: "I love these enormous chickens, but I hate walking in their poop!"

The enormous chickens are actually ducks and geese, but Little Princess' fowl-naming difficulty isn't my point (she's usually quite good at it, corrects me all the time). It's the poop.

I don't like walking through poop either. Duck poop at the arboretum is pretty unavoidable, and shoes can be washed off. What I get frustrated with is emotional poop.

Why is it that emotional poop is also unavoidable? You can be walking along the most beautiful paths, soaking in everything wonderful and splat you've stepped in ickystinkysadmadglumblah poop...And puleeze, do not scold me with fairy tales about the life lived totally in bliss "if only you would..." YOUR feet touch the ground too (don't make me knock you down - then you'd be sitting in poop - and that's REALLY disgusting - grin).

Here's what we did at the arboretum. Sometimes I'd hoist Little Princess up onto my shoulder and she'd squeal and we'd both laugh and she got to keep her feet poop-free. Other times we'd just trudge through the poop together. Sometimes she went her way and I went mine - and one or both of us ambled through poop. And sometimes we'd be able to walk around the poop - although that was rare, because - well, because that's the way it is.

My inspirational - woohoo - (and how the hell did I not "get" this sooner - lol) thought is: the "Why is it that emotional poop is unavoidable?" question is moot.  The real deal is - there's poop underfoot - even and often when we're in places of great beauty (literally and metaphorically) - and it's great to avoid when we can.

It's great to travel with a playful, squealing friend. Great to either hoist someone or be hoisted over the poop occasionally. And also - it's just fine to traipse through the poop. Life goes on. Isn't it a trip to look around and enjoy the beauty even if you're standing in poop?

(Photos copyright: Lauren Caterson 2008)

Teacher of Gladness

This little Pepper Pot informed me today (using her la-di-da, very affected voice)  that she's "The Teacher of Gladness." Indeed!

She pulled this terrific ensemble out of her dress up box (a picnic hamper stuffed full of dress-up odds and ends - seems like today she went for the the "odds" and is showing her "end")

We're heading out for a walk right now and she solemnly informed me that she is NOT wearing this outfit outside because she is not "going snarf naked!" (again with the affected Ms. Ladida of High Society voice)

Well, really...who wants to go outside snarf naked?

Actually, if I had cute pinch-able legs like that - I'd be going snarf naked a LOT!

The Three Little Bears

I just figured out that I live in the Three Little Bears' House.

Slightly-British Daughter was laughingly noting that she can tell who last opened any jar in the refrigerator:

"Whatever jar Harry (her bro, my son) opened will have the lid on too tight, I won't be able to open it."

"Whatever you (good ole mom - that's me) opened will have the lid on crooked or too loose, if I shake it without tightening it (think salad dressing -- ohhhhhhh), it will spill all over."

And she didn't even need to tell us that whatever jar she's last been into will be wiped off, appropriately lid-tightened and put in it's proper place (for real! And we just LOVE that in a daughter!!).

Papa Bear's lid is screwed on too tight, Mama Bear's lid is not screwed on at all, and Baby Bear's lid is screwed on just right. All we're missing is Goldilocks (and, well, we're not bears and son is not the papa bear and...oh...SEE...I don't have my lid screwed on well at all!)