Square-Peg Reflections

We are so NOT Norman Rockwell material

Even though we did more decorating and I had more holiday joy this year than many others (something about growing older - I lost the joy for awhile. I think it took having a grandchild to bring it back) there was still a holiday sadness.

Some of the time I was seeing life through what seemed like a sheer curtain of - is it grief? My sadness involves a "lost" adult child and only bi-monthly visits with my beloved granddaughter - who lived here much of her life (and those purely thanks to PA. Family Court). We are so NOT a Norman Rockwell family!

Earlier today I talked with my coach who's experienced a couple years of severe physical problems (only recently getting a diagnosis - a diagnosis that isn't a cure). We have similar feelings about living with long-term "pain" (hers physical, mine relational).

We talked about how hard it is to have some things totally outside your control (actually - that's a life deal, but it becomes very obvious - you LIVE it as opposed to know it - when you are in grief/trauma/pain). How huge it is to deal with on-going issues as opposed to something you can grieve and move on from.

We talked about how f'ing frustrating it is to have some people offer platitudes or talk as if anything could make your troubles as light as sugar candy (we talked much about the possibly impolite urge to tell those same people to go f___ themselves!).

And we talked about patting ourselves on the back for still putting one foot in front of the other each day. Maybe an extra pat for finding and/or allowing joy and holiday fun in at all.

I also talked to a friend who called asking for prayer because her estranged mom is in the hospital, and e-mailed back and forth to my heart-sister who's been dealing with loss in her own family (including a suicide) while offering hope to so many.

There are lots of us who aren't Norman Rockwell material. And I guess that's the point of this post. Lots of us aren't portrait-ready right now. Lots of us are bruised. Bruised, maybe broken-hearted, but still here (and by that I do not mean still alive, I mean - still open, still vulnerable, still offering and receiving love).

If that's you, if you see yourself as part of the spilled open broken-hearted, as opposed to the nary-a-problem folks (bless them) or the broken-and-bitter folks (even more blessings for them, they'll need them!) I'd like to welcome you to my family - our family - the "NOT Norman Rockwell models" family (what a long last name we have).

Welcome, come on in - I believe I see our portrait taking form now - we don't look much alike - but we sure do shine (vulnerability and openness are beautiful)!

Happy New Year 2009 Lovely People!

Photo copyright Lauren Caterson 2008

Is it Still Holidaytime?

It's still holidaytime in MY head, even though I see that neighbors down the street have dragged their inflatable Grinch off the lawn (a sure sign that they - and probably others - are done with the holiday deal).

Around here the tree stays up, and the stars in the front windows lit (when I remember!) until Epiphany. So, really, it's OK that I'm still sharing holiday book lists (psst - let's pretend that procrastination has nothing to do with this!!).

The ones I want to list today are kids' books - favorites here even when Little Princess isn't around! I'm going to limit the list to mostly LP's favorites - because, well...because I have to impose a limit on myself here or you'll go blind! (fyi: Little Princess is 5 y/o, but really - these books are wonderful for anyone. OK, maybe not bikers..but maybe?...).

Carl's Christmas- a picture book featuring Carl, a wonderful Rottweiler, who seems to be the family's nanny. Beautiful pictures - many to giggle over.

Cynthia Rylant's Christmas in the Country tells of Rylant's Christmases living with her grandparents. Great pictures and touching story.

Tolkien's Letters From Father Christmas is wonderful. It may have been the inspiration for Slightly-British-Daughter's tradition - begun a few years ago -of saving letters from Little Princess to Santa - and Santa's letters back to her (and possibly of penning the Santa letters, but she swears it wasn't her - grin).

Last year we loved Toot and Puddle: Let it Snow (Toot and Puddle are pigs, awesome - fun loving pigs, one an adventurer and one a homebody). This year we added their new DVD: Toot and Puddle: I'll be Home for Christmas to the mix. I'll be Home for Christmas comes in a book version too, but we haven't seen it yet. These stories are lovely - no superheroes, no one in mortal peril - just everyday nice (remember nice kids' books?) fun books - with great pictures!

Then there's Merry Christmas, Festus and Mercury, which is a bit long for Little Princess - (also hard to find - but well worth hunting!) but we're able to read her a shortened version relying on the wonderfulwild (no, that's not a typo - it's my attempt to find the appropriate word) pictures. Festus (a man) and Mercury (a cat) are busy and independent critters, until Festus gets hurt right before Christmas. Good story - outstandingly fun illustrations.

Wrapping up the kids' selection (I'm going to stick in ONE adult story) there's Mole's Christmas Welcome -  a selection (made into a small book) from the beloved The Wind in the Willows. The Wind in the Willows is definitely a book for all ages - though it's long for anyone with Little Princess' attention span - which is why this small selection is perfect.

Now the adult book - ahhhhh. If you, like me, spent at least a bit of the holiday season feeling stressed - this book will touch your heart. Christmas at Fairacre is set in a village in England - it's actually three stories. All, like the Toot and Puddle stories mentioned above, pretty "normal" and everyday. But also - nothing insipid or sappy - just life lived well and told well. VERY gentle and inspiring for their ability to remind you to live in the now - enjoy the process and the journey. 

OK, I bet you could check some of these out of your local library - anyone who had them out for Christmas would have returned them by now (unless they are like me and enjoy running up mortgage sized library fines). So - look at that - if you put off reading your Christmas books until after Christmas you might have an easier time getting them. Procrastination at work again (oops, we weren't going to talk about procrastination, were we?).

Photo copyright Lauren Caterson 2008

oops!

That Christmas book list I mentioned last post - um - here is the link that I forgot!

Christmas Book List

Last week I put up a Humor Book List for the holidays on this (Square-Peg Reflections) blog.

This week I put up a list of spiritually-leaning books (as well as much - much gab!) over on A Square-Peg View.

Please come see.

And Happy Holiday Reading!

 
       Photo copyright Lauren Caterson, 2008

Truth and Beauty

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,  that is all/Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

 I want to rewrite these lines in Keats's poem. I want to argue (humbly) that they should say "humor and beauty" instead!

First, I want to mention that I have nothing against truth.

Oh, ok, maybe I do - at least Truth, when she spells her name with a capital "T" - because sometimes she can be mean. But as long as we're talking about "truth" (small "t"), I'm fine.

But humor and beauty - they save me over and over again!

My family had a hard day yesterday. We're still reeling. You know that feeling? Upright, so you're still putting one foot in front of the other, but with sea-legs, kinda shaky.

Today started out, for me, with that same shaky feeling. Until I noticed the sun - unbelievably bright, full of warmth and seemingly calling to me. And the smell of evergreens - a Christmas tree only recently set up (not decorated yet) and a lovely centerpiece sent to us from someone far away. Ahhh, beauty!

Then, as I was hunting for a picture to add to this post I saw the one above - of Little Princess and me. She likes to fuss with the hair dryer after she's had her bath and I've dried her hair. So she gets to dry mine (even though it's not wet).

This shot was taken about two seconds before she christened me with a new name: "Pearl." The picture taken after this one is outrageously blurry - we were all laughing so hard. Little Princess finished renaming me by assigning me to another species as well. She told Auntie (while gently, but firmly, directing me to: "sit!")  that she was working on: "Pearl. My good puppy." Humor! 
 
Humor and beauty - they lift my spirits every time.

Lately (is this the beginnings of wisdom? ohhhhh! what a thought!!) I've been opening to these things - humor and beauty - on purpose. Especially when my heart hurts. I read something last night in Henri Nouwen's book: The Return of the Prodigal Son, about stealing joy from even ugly circumstances and I thought: "Yes! That's what I want to do."

That IS what I do when I look for humor and beauty. When I not only open my eyes and heart to them, but actually track them down and treasure them.

What do YOU use for balm when your heart hurts? I'd love to hear what beauty (or humor or snippet of truth - if truth works for you) reminds YOU of all that's good!

Photo copyright Lauren Caterson, 2008

Holiday Panic

This is basically a holiday cheer fear post! My family celebrates Christmas, which brings me to a bad emotional place today. I suppose my feelings about the holiday could resonate with anyone who celebrates a holiday where there's an actual day/date involved.

I feel like this:  everyone else who celebrates Christmas saw it coming. Everyone with a working brain (the kind that has the organizational ~ time centered ~ logical sections connected and fully functioning) knew that once December started it was going to be day 1, day 2, day 3, day 4 - all the fricking way up to DAY 25 - the day of celebration itself!

Everyone but ME. It hit me today! Today I noticed the date - December 10 -  on my trust iCal. Ohhhhmy, I started breathing in that short-breath, panicked way (after a huge gasp). Then my brain started racing. I started making lists - then I started trying to organize the lists (which for me means categorizing the lists - so that I'm writing the same thing on a few different lists, crossing most things off all lists, rewriting new lists, getting frustrated with lists, deciding to throw the lists out but being unable to find most of them - even though I was JUST working on them two minutes ago and never got up from my desk!).

I shared my fear and trepidation with a friend as soon as I could breath normally again. She pointed out that probably most people feel this way (but I doubt it!). She told me not to worry, she said that things would turn out fine - which reminded me of the post I put up yesterday - where I quoted something similar from the book "Christmas and How to Survive It".  And I know things will work out fine (no matter what I forget or screw up), but really - I wonder...do the holidays sneak up behind everyone and scare the bejesus out of them?

This year I have so much done (chalk that up to decluttering - wow, things are easier to do when you can find most of what you're looking for - except lists). I probably have three times as much done this year than any other year in recent history. And then, since we've planned a smaller Christmas this year - things ought to be going pretty well.

Let's do the math and see: If we are doing half as much hoopla than last year, and three times as much as usual is already done - then we've probably got ... um... oh, right! I don't DO math - there's a reason for that - no good at it. Forget the math!

So ~ Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...except we don't have a goose (or even any idea whether we're having turkey or ham this year) - but we do have a whole sh*!load of top-shelf chocolate from Stutz (damn! - they take checks, which just makes it impossible not to overdo) - so...the only thing getting fat right now is ME. And still, sooo much to do!

I'm hoping YOUR holiday preparations are swimming along nicely! For me ~ I think it's time to go make a list.

Photo copyright Lauren Caterson 2007

Holiday Book List

Slightly-Brit had an awesome idea: put up Book Lists once a week during the holiday season. Got to hand it to Slightly-Brit, she has great ideas. Thanks, dear daughter!!

My first thought for these sometimes-stressful days is: Humor - humor always gives perspective!  So this week's list - the first book list for the holidaze - is funny stuff.

You can see the book jackets in our book store - and if you decide to purchase them (as opposed to borrowing them from the library or bumming them off a friend), please order from our Amazon affiliate links - thereby helping keep Square-Peg-People staff (i.e.: me and Slightly-Brit) in holiday ribbons.

I first read "The Man Who Could Work Miracles" in a little booklet given away with (if I remember correctly) card shop products. That was many moons ago - and I still grab the booklet every year. And, if they don't run fast enough, I grab one of my kids as well - and force them to listen to me read aloud.

The story is hilarious - it's H.G. Wells at his finest. So I'm not really being cruel to the dear "kids" (who are legally adults anyway) - except - well, I guess the spontaneous guffawing and hooting -- keeping me from getting ON with the story, might be a little hard to take.

The part that always makes me laugh so hard that I can't breath is when Mr. Fotheringay (the protagonist, who is at this point experimenting with his new-found miracle working powers) tells his walking stick to:

" 'Go back.' What he meant was 'Change back'; but of course he was confused. The stick receded at a considerable velocity, and incontinently came a cry of anger and a bad word from the approaching person."

Ha! I'm laughing even while I'm typing.

"A Christmas Story" and "Skipping Christmas" you probably already know from TV or the theater. But the books are - well, you know - book are different from the film versions - they are somehow MORE.

"Holidays on Ice", by David Sedaris is, like everything he writes - just SOOOOOO funny! The story "The SantaLand Diaries" is my favorite - another one I grab the kids for - I love an audience!!

"The Twelve Terrors of Christmas" by John Updike and illustrated by Edward Gorey is darkly funny (well, duh! what would you expect from Updike and Gorey together, right?). The sprigs of holly at the top of each of the twelve sections have an odd look. When I began to pay them some attention I saw that each sprig was actually a BAT!

The second terror -  "SANTA: THE CONCEPT" starts by asking: "Why would anybody halfway normal want to live at the North Pole on a bunch of shifting ice floes?" and gets better from there!

I re-read "Christmas and How to Survive It" last night. My sides still hurt. The author is British  (got to love Brit-wit!!) and his word use, plus the goofball illustrations throughout the book - add up to big laughs. I'm pretty sure there's not one part of the holidays that he doesn't cover - from cards to office parties, being around ex's to carollers and everything else. The best thing is - mixed in with the humor is this advice (repeated in different ways, but always giving you a good, contented - "that's right!" sigh...):

"...relax..Ah, you protest. Easy for you to say. but listen: relax, because in your heart of hearts you just know it will all work out in the end, don't you? Because

    (a) You're put so much damn work into it.
    (b) It always does. Somehow or other."

Then there's the "Christmas Carol Mad Libs" - for those of us who have a part of our personality's that's a very silly 7th grader - you can't beat Mad Libs! Just add naughty words like: fart or poopy or snot (must I go on? because truly, I can - and do...so pathetic!) and you are guaranteed some laughs (if, of course, you have that kind of humor).

Hope you enjoy the list! Please comment with any holiday humor we might have missed!!

Photo copyright Lauren Caterson 2008

What is YOUR life's work?

My eyes welled up with tears a few minutes ago when I was reading Bill Jensen's book What is your life's work?. The book is filled with letters to loved ones - gathered from all over - about what is important. Jensen helps you get in touch with your deepest passions.

After reading a number of the letters - which all begin with "work:" and then a short description of what each writer feels is his/her life work - I spontaneously gave words to my life's work. I said (aloud, I think?): "My work is connection - using the 'tools' of grace and humor".

That is when I got tears in my eyes. I know the power of being seen and heard by others - but it was interesting to have that same deep feeling about seeing and hearing myself as I said words that could seem pretty obvious (and that I've spoken in different ways many times).

I didn't have much time to explore that interesting feeling though. Because the next thing I did was underestimate my girth while reaching to turn off the space heater*, thereby knocking a full cup of coffee off the side of the tub and onto my fluffy white towells - and the newly painted walls - and the toilet and sink - and some books . Ooooh, I was so screamingmadpissed!

  (btw, Jensen's What is your life's work? is a do NOT miss it! book)

*Don't scold me, my arm was dry - well, until the coffee fell - and the heater is plugged into a ground fault circuit interrupter!

Do You See What I See?

I looked out my dining area window this morning and saw an orangey tennis ball stuck on a Forsythia branch.
 
What? And why? It looked festive enough, but why would someone bother. And someone would have to bother, a tennis ball won't just lie on a downward curved branch and wait.

I didn't spend much time trying to figure it out because I was tired from wrestling with Keats and Wordsworth (see bottom of post) - but I spent enough time to observe that my mind whirls in strange, very strange paths.

Do you remember Thurber's incredible story The Admiral on the Wheel, wherein Thurber tells what life is like with poor vision (and much imagination)? He writes about seeing a dog "lying on a ledge above the entrance to a brownstone house" - and the dog is there for three days and nights - but mysteriously disappears when Thurber gets his glasses fixed.

I share Thurber's ability to see things that aren't there. On second look (after refocusing my eyes) the tennis ball implanted in the Forsythia bush turned out to be a cardinal. 

And the conjecture - even though it was shorter than my usual intense brain ventures - was all wasted. Ugh!

Want to know what else I've wasted time over?

I've spent the morning writing about why I think Wordsworth ought to have said Humor and beauty, beauty and humor...blah blah blah...instead of Truth and beauty, beauty and truth blah blah blah (blah blahs are my addition - catchy, yes?)

Come to find out that (what was I thinking?) it was Keats who wrote the ode and I suppose it was Keats who, while my back was turned, went and changed the wording that I remember - NOW it says: "Beauty is truth, truth beauty," as opposed to "Beauty and truth, truth and beauty". Damn him! Now I shall have to rewrite my entire morning's work.

I get a kick out of my default world - the one where Wordsworth writes about truth AND beauty and where people purposely set tennis balls on branches for my enjoyment. Amusing in a Square-Peg way...

Photo copyright Lauren Caterson 2008