Look real close - do you see the bunny under the arc of the bush? He's tucked in close to where the stems come out of the earth. You might have to tilt your monitor to get the light "just so" in order to see him - Ok, not that far, he's going to fall out! See him? The picture isn't great (guess who took it? Yours truly!) - but he's there.
And he's there every morning - nestled under the arc - and every morning I have this wistful feeling as I look out at him (or her) from my kitchen window.
He's there when it's rainy (like yesterday - when I took this kinda sucky picture) and he's there when it's sunny. I'm not real sure why he pulls at my heart - maybe because we used to play "house" under a row of scruffy shrubs like that one - way back when I was in elementary school (when we weren't chasing dinosaurs).
Or maybe it's because the bush bends down like a rainbow - and rainbows are so hopeful - or maybe it's something to do with the bunyip looking peaceful. Really, I have no idea - but something in him being there speaks peace to me.
Anyway, yesterday morning as I looked out at him (in a gloomy, whiney, "oh-shit, it's the doldrums" kinda way) I thought: "I wish I had a haven like that!" I envied the little guy his rainbow-shaped peaceful spot.
And then, later in the day, when I was moaning my gloomy, whiney, "oh-shit, it's the doldrums" story to my coach* - and saying I had "no guiding light" and I was "rudderless" (exact words, see how gloomy I get?) - she reminded me of all that I'm in the middle of - and that I am the point person in a number of big areas right now - and she said:
"You are your guiding light, you are the rudder."
I wish I could perfectly describe how she said that - because I imagine that it could come across different in print - than it did hearing it. It might read like: "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Whiney - and take care of stuff - who do you think is going to fix your life - YOU, Birdbrain!?!" or "Blah, blah blah - poor thang."
But it was neither, it came across like this: "Look! Come here and look at this view I have - I'm seeing this from a different angle and - wow! - it's fantastic!" Which made me think of the window thing I talked about in the I'm Not the Only One post - or mirrors, which I keep thinking of as I work on the Square-Peg-People site (ohman, I'm hoping/expecting/SAYING it's going to be up in June!) - and think about what I want the site to do - which is, be a mirror to people - a reminder of their real selves.
And so, as I uploaded the bunny pictures that I took - and picked out the one where you only have to squint for about 15 minutes and tilt your monitor and turn out all the lights in the room and squint some more in order to see the bunny (which was, by far, the best shot I had!) I got hit by the realization that I not only do have a rudder and a guiding light, but I also have a bunny spot - in my heart!
Which sounds maybe a bit too cutesy, so let me say it differently: Fuck! (takes the cutesy edge off a bit, what) It's like I "get" the phrase "The Kingdom of Heaven is within." - and I'm thinking of someone's (maybe my favorite author, F. Buechener??) having said "where we're usually too damn dumb to look."
*the world's best coach, btw, Jenny Effing Ryan - "Effing" really is her middle name - nah, just kidding about the "Effing" - but totally serious about the world's best.
Photo credit: ace photographer (Not!) Karen Caterson