Square-Peg Reflections

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

...Lots more garden work going on. Today, amusingly (or not!) I gave the neighbors something to laugh about (like they needed anything extra). I was whacking Forsythia branches and dragging piles of them to the bags our township collects for composting - got a little tired of messing with stuff in the back and headed to the side. The very abandoned side (both sides of our house, come to think of it - are pretty much abandoned - and the front does  not receive a lot of care either - hmmm - now I'm getting depressed..ok, back to my story)...

the very sad looking side of the house - that's where I went next. And who knows what propelled me to start messing around there, but there I was. There were more Honeysuckle vines in the Forsythia on the side of the house than there were Forsythia branches (Aha! - I got it - I know why I was on the side - the Forsythia must've called to me. I was puttering around the one huge bush in the backyard and then just wandered to the side yard where three less fluffy, but no less in need of help Forsythia bushes sat).

Ok, so I pulled Honeysuckle out of the bushes - and more from where it was attempting to climb between the foundation of the house and the siding...and where it was twined in the grass...and where it went around toward the front of the house. And that's where I got in trouble. As the Honeysuckle took a right and headed toward the front of the house it had dug itself in and gotten thick rooted. So I really had to pull and pull to get the roots out.

I pulled and pulled and pulled on this viney rooty mass and lost my balance. I almost fell over - about 5 times. Not five separate times, but five times all stuck together. So, basically what I did was wobble like a weeble for maybe 2 minutes - first listing to one side, then the other, then back, then arrrrrrrround, then off to the side - all the while squealing because I thought I was going to land on my can (and also because I must like to squeal - Slightly-Brit says I do it all the time).

I had to have looked like I was drunk - and it was only maybe noon. Luckily people are off at work, right? Nope! As I FINALLY righted myself I heard a door close and a car door open/close, then a car start - and I could tell (without moving my head - because really, I was not going to look!) that the sound came from across the street - the house of the neighbors I've never met.

The neighbors whom I cannot think of (so I pretend they don't exist) without remembering another time I embarrassed myself outside. Actually, that time I shared the honor. The whole family got in on it.

That was back a number of years ago when those folks were checking out the house across the street before buying it. My family was having one of its last AOC Meetings (Manchild made up a club called The AOC. I totally forget what the initials stand for - and he's off at The Peace Center tonight, so I can't ask him - you all are probably going to lose sleep over this, and I am terribly sorry).

At this particular meeting we had water gun fights and some deal where we split into teams and hunted for hidden stuff - and then - the finale: a mock sword fight. Manchild used to collect swords and medieval equipment - and on this occasion (which we were filming - so we really went into high gear) we either wore or hefted the medieval hoo ha and got carried away hollering insane medieval taunts and jousting threats - in ridiculous outfits - until we noticed wary looks from the not-then neighbors.

Again there was NO alcohol involved - just like the vine pulling incident - but it seemed so obviously alcohol related - sigh! This is probably why - when my girls were young - their mutual friend's mom used to call us (with gusto): "Those damn Catersons!"

Effin' Bunny Spot

Look real close - do you see the bunny under the arc of the bush? He's tucked in close to where the stems come out of the earth. You might have to tilt your monitor to get the light "just so" in order to see him - Ok, not that far, he's going to fall out! See him? The picture isn't great (guess who took it? Yours truly!) - but he's there.

And he's there every morning - nestled under the arc - and every morning I have this wistful feeling as I look out at him (or her) from my kitchen window.

He's there when it's rainy (like yesterday - when I took this kinda sucky picture) and he's there when it's sunny. I'm not real sure why he pulls at my heart - maybe because we used to play "house" under a row of scruffy shrubs like that one - way back when I was in elementary school (when we weren't chasing dinosaurs).

Or maybe it's because the bush bends down like a rainbow - and rainbows are so hopeful - or maybe it's something to do with the bunyip looking peaceful. Really, I have no idea - but something in him being there speaks peace to me.

Anyway, yesterday morning as I looked out at him (in a gloomy, whiney, "oh-shit, it's the doldrums" kinda way) I thought: "I wish I had a haven like that!" I envied the little guy his rainbow-shaped peaceful spot.

And then, later in the day, when I was moaning my gloomy, whiney, "oh-shit, it's the doldrums" story to my coach* - and saying I had "no guiding light" and I was "rudderless" (exact words, see how gloomy I get?) - she reminded me of all that I'm in the middle of - and that I am the point person in a number of big areas right now - and she said:
"You are your guiding light, you are the rudder."

I wish I could perfectly describe how she said that - because I imagine that it could come across different in print - than it did hearing it. It might read like: "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Whiney - and take care of stuff - who do you think is going to fix your life - YOU, Birdbrain!?!" or "Blah, blah blah - poor thang."

But it was neither, it came across like this: "Look! Come here and look at this view I have - I'm seeing this from a different angle and - wow! - it's fantastic!" Which made me think of the window thing I talked about in the I'm Not the Only One post - or mirrors, which I keep thinking of as I work on the Square-Peg-People site (ohman, I'm hoping/expecting/SAYING it's going to be up in June!) - and think about what I want the site to do - which is, be a mirror to people - a reminder of their real selves.

And so, as I uploaded the bunny pictures that I took - and picked out the one where you only have to squint for about 15 minutes and tilt your monitor and turn out all the lights in the room and squint some more in order to see the bunny (which was, by far, the best shot I had!) I got hit by the realization that I not only do have a rudder and a guiding light, but I also have a bunny spot - in my heart!

Which sounds maybe a bit too cutesy, so let me say it differently: Fuck! (takes the cutesy edge off a bit, what)  It's like I "get" the phrase "The Kingdom of Heaven is within." - and I'm thinking of someone's (maybe my favorite author, F. Buechener??) having said "where we're usually too damn dumb to look."

Cool!

 *the world's best coach, btw, Jenny Effing Ryan - "Effing" really is her middle name - nah, just kidding about the "Effing" - but totally serious about the world's best.

Photo credit: ace photographer (Not!) Karen Caterson

I'm Not The Only One

So - I'm reading along in the mindful woman, by Sue Patton Thoele, and I come to this:

"Whenever I begin writing a book, the imperial imp in charge of writers in early stages of projects seems to think that it would be great fun to have me act, feel and express exactly the opposite of my current project."

She then explained how that had worked out during several different book projects. I found  reading about her experiences amusing (which also had to do with her writing ability). But I haven't enjoyed living out a similar experience!

For me this has been happening as I work on creating offerings to round-out the Choosing Me! recording. Several people suggested that they'd like more - an e-book or a course, journal prompts - something to enlarge the work started in the MP3.

And I jumped right on that idea - and right into a whole s#*!load of body related issues I thought I'd already dealt with. Sigh!

I'm aware that there's a saying related to this: "teach what you need to learn". Which I'm pretty sure has been shortened (through trickery) from: "You WILL teach what you need to learn, and you will be humbled by it!" by that imp Sue Patton Thoele mentioned.

I felt relieved reading Sue's words - because, even though I knew other people dealt with this phenomenon when writing or teaching (in the past I've talked to plenty of people who confirmed it) I felt like I was the only one. It was important for me to hear it in the moment (not as something I remembered hearing).

All this to say - I think there's going to be a lot of talk (and ponderings and questions about) self-care in the next couple of months. I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings. I think that - together - we can create some really good self-care windows (by "windows" I'm meaning ways to look at ourselves -- you know how there are windows with dirty screens and ratty shreds of curtains that taint anything we look out on -- and then there are beautifully clean windows, with lovely window dressings that offer a clear view, so that we can enjoy the beauty that's there? Well, I think our internal windows are like that...our ways of seeing the world and ourselves...).

Hope you'll come along and look through the windows with me!

A Rose By Any Other Name

Ok, when I hunted up a current picture, in Slightly-Brit's photos, to use for this post - the title "A Rose By Any Other Name" made perfect sense.

Somehow it connected with the phrase "...even it's mother wouldn't know it" - although I can't remember how??? Or why that was a good thing.

All because I wanted to talk about being comfortable in our own bodies. Or how sometimes we're not...I do remember that I was thinking about how this particular gorgeous rose probably wasn't comparing itself to any of the dozens of other blooms surrounding it (athough what do I know?).

I remember thinking that even if this rose has holes on the side we can't see - or cellulite (which I supremely doubt!) - it is still one fricking gorgeous rose! I remember that my mind went off quoting something Biblical about lilies of the field and I had to pull it back - and that's when I forgot what the rose title and the thing about it's mother had to do with this post.

But I digress...

I tweeted (doesn't that sound asinine?) earlier today about this body thing - as close as I can remember (and you know how good my memory is, right?) I said: "What would it take for YOU to be comfortable in your body NOW? Really, I want to know." The last sentence was to make sure no one thought this was a rhetorical question.

Some wonderful women responded through Facebook.

I'll throw the same question out here - I'd love to hear any and all responses: What would it take for YOU to be comfortable in your body NOW?

I would LOVE to throw this back and forth, have a good discussion going here - about what makes for good body image (and I think the term "body image" gives people the heebie jeebies..I'm open for some other phrasing. If you've got a better phrase please toss it this way.)

How To Annoy People

Almost guaranteed to work every time (hey, nothing's 100% guaranteed) ...

Switch between:

"That's what your momma said last night."
            and
"That's what I said to your momma last night."

in response to every statement (or question) made by those around you.

In an older episode of 30 Rock (or maybe it was in a couple older episodes - do you see how confused I am?!?) Liz Lemon says either: "That's what your momma said..." or "That's what I said to your momma...", but - since I can't remember which one it was - I switch between the two.

Apparently that makes it more annoying - or so goes the feedback I'm getting.

DIY Sucks

I'm not sure if this post belongs in the Creating Things category, or Square-Peg Life, or maybe Humor (the "sad but true" variety)...really not sure...

There is no: Are YOU insane? category, or I'd put it there...Here's the thing: today Slightly-Brit and I took delivery of a s#@tload of soil for the gardens (which needed to be hauled to its rightful places) and we planned on tackling the door. The door has been hanging around for a couple months (actually - that's not true - if it had been hanging things would've been easier) waiting for all its' coats of paint (delayed and delayed and delayed due to inclement weather).

Finally we decided it was going up - even though it still needed another coat of chalkboard paint on the kitchen side and a finishing coat of Swiss Coffee on the laundry room side.

I honestly believed it would be a quick job. Slightly-Brit thought it'd take a few months (ok, she didn't say it'd be a few months - but she was predicting a long haul).

Either one of the jobs - soil hauling or 6,000 lb. solid wood door putting-up would've been enough for one day. NO! We convince ourselves we can do both.

The soil part wasn't so hard - because I got Manchild to do it. Funny how work can seem so easy when you get someone else to do it. I initially asked Manchild to work with me - and I loaded the wheel barrow and rolled it to the back once, and would have continued to work with him - except when we both started shoveling dirt the wheel barrow fell over on me - covering me with dirt and I left in a hissy fit (SBD says I'm a big whiner and swears it was just my feet that got dirty!). Manchild got someone else to help and still it took over an hour of hauling. So - whew - I'm pretty glad I wasn't involved ("Gee, that was easy" tee hee).

But the door - oh, the door...What in the name of all that's holy made us think we should do the door? We live in The House that Jack Built - Slighty-Brit tells me that this is an old-fashioned saying and that the man at the hardware store had no idea what I was talking about when I repeatedly said: "We live in The House that Jack Built." She also said she'd scream if I used the saying again.

Now, tell me (please, really tell me) you know what I mean when I say that I live in The House that Jack Built, you do - don't you ?!?

So - back to my sad tale - since we live in The House that Jack Built we should know that the walls, doorways, floors, windows, etc. are not square - that nothing is level and that we will have trouble putting in anything that is level and square. But we forget - each time.

I am going to end right now by telling you that the adorable door with a chalkboard rectangle on the kitchen side  (awaiting trim moulding - and a final coat of chalkboard paint) is hanging, but barely. We can't close it  - well, we can close it, with brute force, but that makes the framing pull off the wall, so it's a good idea not to close it...

until tomorrow when we pull the hinge pins out and hoist the rotten heavy (but cute) s-o-b door out of its resting place and fuss with the hinge cut outs - or maybe pull all the framing out (that we didn't put in and would have no idea how to redo)...or ?

DIY sucks - I need a new name for our Do It Yourself adventures - Screw It Yourself has bizarre leanings that I don't really mean to imply - What the Hell's the Matter With You That You Can't Just Hire a Contractor Like a Normal Person, is too long-winded...I'm at a loss...
which sounds pretty much like I've been feeling all day...sigh

Obtuse Fortune Cookies

Last night we had Chinese food - and there are always fortune cookies tucked into the take-home sack...so, after dinner, we read our "fortunes".

I always look forward to reading my fortune-cookie fortune, but why? I haven't had an interesting one for years - I think the place where we get Chinese food buys their cookie inserts from the people who write instructions for putting things together - the people who make NO sense.

Slightly-Brit's read: Don't be afraid of opposition remember, a kite rises against the wind.

and mine said: A window of opportunity won't open itself.

(pssst... not like I am a grammar expert - hahahaha - but "opposition remember"...? Who'd be afraid of "opposition remember"??)

I "get" the point each makes - sort of...But, after my initial reaction - which was: "oh F*#! - more lame fortune cookies" the next thing in my mind was The Sphinx, from the movie Mystery Men.

The Sphinx said brilliant things like: "When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack."

Oh, and SB's fortune caused me to remember a Benny Hill episode where he sang about his homestead - "Passing Wind".

Note: the Mac dictionary/thesaurus lists "dumb-ass" as one of the synonyms for "obtuse" - and it would've been apt to title this post: Dumb-ass Fortune Cookies, but I was trying to be ?nice?

p.s. Eff the window of opportunity thing!

 

What Terri Said

I asked my friend, terri st cloud, what she thought of Choosing Me! -

Square-Peg-People's downloadable MP3 about building a happy (or happier!) relationship with your body.

She made me smile - and hey, I didn't even have to poke her with sticks to get her to be so kind (but I was prepared...)

That's her above - you can usually find her - working hard - at bone-sigh-arts.com. Here's what she said:

i call body image my 'last frontier' as it feels like the
hurdle i may never get over. naturally tensing whenever
the subject is brought up, i went into this recording
feeling a little unsure.

karen's calm voice and incredibly nurturing nature
met me immediately and brought me to a space that's
easy to be in. letting me know that whatever works
for me is okay with her, she made room for me to
be comfortable and at home.

making me gasp with an incredible quote, laugh with
her eyebrow story and aha with the points she made,
i felt i was with a kindred spirit who understood.

gaining new insights and looking at things from different
angles, i journeyed with karen towards healing a wounded
part of myself. i have a long way to go, but will be
going back to the imagery and tools that she
offered again and again. and i'll never look at a mirror
in quite the same way as before listening to this recording!

thank you, karen!

Thank YOU, terri!

I would love for YOU to come over and read about Choosing Me!, the MP3 I didn't have to poke terri st cloud to get nice words about (does that sentence make sense? I don't mean does it make sense about going around poking people - I'm thinking the grammar is "off", but can't figure out why...). Just so you know, I promise I won't chase you around with pointed sticks either!

P.S. We're planning to put out a limited number of hold-it-in-your-own-little-hands Choosing Me! CD's very soon in response to some folks who said they're not tech savvy enough for MP3's (yeah, I'd be one of them - grin).

Peonies and Gratitude

Right this minute I am far afield from gratitude, I'm visiting the land of Overwhelm - even had dreams of drowning last night (in the waters of tension and "I can't keep up") - sigh! Maybe the drowning dreams just came from going to sleep listening to rain for so many nights in a row (rabbits in our area were beginning to grow fins, I swear)...

Thing is - today was beautifully sunny - so was yesterday - and I enjoyed the sun so much. And now I'm posting this note as my offering to gratitude, even if I'm not actually in the gratitude mood - maybe it'll help me get there!

The picture above is a Peony from a group we have that used to be in our family matriarch's garden. She's been gone for awhile, but every year - when the Peonies poke up out of the ground I read Mary Oliver's poem, Peonies - and I think of my great-aunt and her gorgeous garden (and her way with beauty in all things).

Here's a part of Mary Oliver's poem - found in my copy of New and Selected Poems:

...

all that dampness and recklessness
    gladly and lightly,
        and there it is again ---
            beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
    Do you love this world?
        Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
            Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath?

...

I do! I cherish my "humble and silky life" - even when I'm feeling overwhelmed and crabby! Even now!! How about YOU?

Happy Wishes to Mothers and Others

I'm grateful today for all the women in my life! I was taking a nice soak a short bit ago and read a lovely bit in Nora Seton's The Kitchen Congregation, which I will share with you now - as I drink some Peppermint tea brought up to the office by the heart warmingly wonderful Slightly-Brit:

"...the ancient tradition of daughters and grandmothers and infants at the feet of elders, the world's waterfall of women, splashing onto the rocks of one generation after the other..."

What gorgeous writing, it's from the essay/chapter "Ida" in the book.

I'm grateful today for ALL the women in my life - past, present and future. I came late to appreciating the friendship of women, but on this glorious day (the sun remembered to shine here today!!) I won't indulge in regret, but just ENJOY...

Wishing all who read this a day of open-hearted JOY and gratitude no matter what is going on outside your eyes!!! (wanted to quote you, hugs'nguts, Debra - but can't remember the quote - where you say you are doing wonderful despite???)