Interview with Bridget Pilloud

"Intuitive Business Guide"

I have Twitter to thank for my introduction to the wondrous Bridget Pilloud. I can't remember what link I followed or what Tweet I saw that led me to her, but I can tell you that - from the first words of her's I read - I fell in love!

Bridget is funny and wise, thoughtful and thought-provoking, funny and inspiring - and did I mention funny? Oh, and she's mega-intuitive as well. I had the pleasure of doing an intuitive "cup cake" session with her a couple months ago and her spot-on-ness was amazing (and helpful)!!

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My first question for Bridget - before jumping into our regular interview questions - was: Does the term Square-Peg resonate with you?
 

Yes, in this way: people want to connect with other people - and sometimes people think they can only connect with other people through the social norms we have.

...some of those norms are great and some are really limited, and we also self-limit. When we self-limit we don't put ourselves out there and when we don't put oursevles out there, what is there to connect to?

So we end up in this sort of knot. A knot of: "I want to conform and I know the social norms matter." or "I know that I'm accepted when I act in a way that other people find 'normal', but I'm also this thing that they don't have a space for."

 

How do you see yourself as a Square-Peg?

...for me, being a Square-Peg means understanding where I'm going to limit myself. I am going to limit myself - we all do - we all sort of find places to limit, find places to cut ourselves off.

And if we're aware of why we're doing that - and we step either into that or out of it (depending on our comfort level) we can do something with it.

During the interview Bridget said that she talks in circles -- I love her circles -- if you hop on down to the asterisk (*) at the bottom of the page there's a story Bridget told (one of those cool circles) when she gave an example of how she works out the Square-Pegness/social norms thing in her life.

 

How Do You Maintain Your Square-Pegness (in a round-hole world)?

I live in a very supportive community. I live in a home where people "get" me - it's really wonderful, and I'm very blessed that way.

I have a house with a partner and children who are supportive. And not just supportive in the "Oh, just do whatever you want" way, but in the ability to be very honest with me, and very gentle.

We're all very honest and gentle with each other - and that balance makes it ok for us to express ourselves here.

So we can go out in the world where people maybe don't always understand us - and sometimes that's not fun - and maybe we get smacked around, but then we can come back to our house and be ok.

I asked Bridget how she build that supportive community, and she responded:

Here's how I built it:

I was in a breakup of a difficult relationship I was devastated - financially and emotionally. I was in a really bad place.

Although the relationship itself was not a pleasant one, I had some security. There's something about being in a relationship that makes you feel secure. So I had that - and then I didn't have it; I was on my own.

I went out and tried to get back in. I tried to date some people to find somebody I could be in a relationship with. But everybody I dated was difficult to be around - and I realized that it was not working.

I think God, or the Universe, or whatever you want to call it, gives us lessons wrapped in increasingly ridiculous packaging until you get the answer.

So I found a normal guy and we seemed to fit, but something was not quite right - so that didn't work out. And then I got somebody who was completely ridiculous, like so obviously not a fit that it was like -- STOP!

So I stopped trying to find a partner - I stopped doing anything. I stopped going out, I stopped trying to fix my situation because fixing my situation was not working.

I think that's the worst part of any situation - realizing you have to stop trying to fix it and sit with it.

So I stopped trying to fix my situation and I just sat there. I went away for a long weekend - went and cried for awhile - I grieved. I came back a little better, and then I realized that what I really needed to do was be my own Beloved.

We've all heard: "You have to love yourself before you can love others."

...I think the reason that doesn't always resonate is because we don't realize what that means. It doesn't mean you have to indulge yourself or indulge that part of you that's empty.

The first part of getting to where I am now was understanding and loving myself. Once I did that (once I figured out what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship) I figured out that I really like my own company - and that I was complete by myself. So even if no one ever loved me again I had something pretty good going on.

I realized that the trade-off was (the trade-off a lot of us make): "I'm going to be miserable, but I'm going to have somebody".

I didn't want that trade-off. I'd rather be happy with myself than miserable with somebody else. When that aha went on I realized I could fulfill my own needs. I realized that a relationship is not really about fulfilling the needs of another person - a relationship is about being in a relationship, about sharing a space with someone.

I've read Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Rilke and others...

"A relationship is two people looking out at the world..." - I've read all that. I read it, I knew it was a really nice thing, but I had no real understanding of what that meant until I realized:

Hey, I really like my company. I'm really great, I like to be around me. I like what I'm about.

Once I realized that in a relationship I can still figure out what Bridget needs to be happy, and can do that for her (I don't need a guy doing that for me), I could be way more picky about who to be with because I knew that their role is not to fulfill me.

After I got that - here comes this guy I would never had been ready for up until that moment. We'd have had all these problems with me going: "Ok, you're here to fulfill me."

We don't have that - we work on living in the same space together and we have our own things that fulfill us.

 

What Has Been the Hardest For You as a Square-Peg?

The hardest part of being a Square-Peg Person is when people decide not to know me because they already made a judgement about who I am...

If somebody chooses not to like me because me, as myself, is not their cup of tea - I'm totally fine with that. I'm not everybody's cup of tea. And that's great - we don't have to all like each other...

but, if you take something about me - or have assumptions about me that are not quite accurate...if there's something you don't know about me that would complete the picture, but you already self-select out - that's hard.

That's hard!

Another thing is understanding that it's really ok to be me - that's hard sometimes.

...my assumption for a long time was: "A lot more people like me if they don't know me. Once they really get to know me, ohhhh..."

That's not actually true. When people really get to know me, they still really like me. But that's my assumption - people aren't going to like me. So I do still edit.

Another hard part, which is getting a lot easier, is not editing myself.

 

What Is Your Favorite Square-Peg Trait?

My absolute favorite is: I can find the humor in anything!

I think God's got a really dark sense of humor sometimes. Really dark. Like dark chocolate dark, d a r k.

...I can find what's ridiculously funny in nearly any situation...not people dying, or... {laughing} Ok, I'm not going to make the list of what's not funny.

When something's bad I'm really happy that I can find the humor in it, because it sort of takes the edge off.

 

What Are Your Favorite Books?

A Gift from the Sea (Anne Morrow Lindbergh) and Franny and Zooey (J.D. Salinger).

 

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* Bridget's story/example about working with the Square-Pegness/social norms thing in her life follows:

Here's an example:

I took sailing classes this weekend. I'm learning how to sail. I'm now certified to sail a 20 ft. sailboat, which is really great and also really crazy - because if I go out in a 20 ft. sailboat I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle it. It's a lot!

I took this class - and I was the only woman. Not only was I the only woman, but with the exception of my partner (who's only a little bit older than me), the others in the class were at least 20 years older than me.

So there's me, my partner and 2 codgers (really great guys) - and the instructor, who's also got to be in his early 70's.

I'm the only woman! And I spend half of this entire time observing the social norms of having a woman be in this group and what that looks like.

I grew up in a household where I didn't mow the lawn because I was a girl. I don't know how to start a boat motor. I don't know how to start a real motor.

I had all these deficiencies - I didn't know anything about aerodynamics, and yet every other person in that room did. I'm not sure how I missed that, but I think growing up as a girl in the 70's and 80's in Northern Minnesota limited what I experienced.

So there I was and Steve {the instructor} is like: "Ok Bridget, go start that motor." And I'm like: "I don't know how to start a motor." He'd already shown us a number of times...

I did all that, and it didn't start, and didn't start again. It took me seven times - and then it fired up.

Part of me was like: "I can't believe it took me this long to get it!" and "Oh, I'm a girl!" and part of me was like: "Yeah, I started an engine!"

And another part of me was like: "Wow! Here's something really subtle - I bet I can control this throttle better than anyone else here because I'm very in tune energetcially to what's happening. I can tell when it's close to dying and when it's not close to dying."

My point is this: in that situation, my job - my learning - wasn't just how to sail a boat. My learning was: how to be myself in a setting with people who have a different understanding of what's socially acceptable with women than what I usually experience - and still be myself in that - and do it gracefully so that nobody is feeling uncomfortable with me being me.

 

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Learn more about Bridget and her intuitive work at Voila!, Bridget's blog - here's a good starting point, the About Bridget page.

 

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Read more Square-Peg Interviews here!

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