Square-Peg Reflections

Crash and Burn?

How did it happen that, after the glowing experience of paying attention to my Introvert needs when I was in Saluda, and being so excited (and even a bit surprised) about not needing tons of down-time to recuperate when I came home -- I found myself going into Crash And Burn mode Tuesday night?

The night of the crash I wrote a friend: "gloom is decending...i feel like forget it - fuck it, no one will miss me anyway..the OLD voices...real loud..and tears behind my eyes big time - damn it" (actual quote - not edited - i just happen to like to use ellipses).

Next morning I told my WriteSpeak pals: "took a soak to warm up, with the plan of working when i got out --- but instead went to bed (at NINE pm..and didnt' get up til 8:30 a.m.). When i got out of the tub i could practically HEAR the crash sound...

what's the point, this is never going to work, hey - why bother - i wont' even be around much longer (i plan to live to 100 - but hey, the first 55 went awfully fast...) - and a complete mind-slate wiped clean feeling - nothing in there, NOTHING...blankness...

and it's amusing -or at least ironic- that i wrote a blog post (not published yet) monday night on "That Introvert Thing" - about how i worked really well with my Introvert self (Myers-Briggs) thru the retreat and didn't get the usual crash and burn when i came home...sigh"

How did I go from That Introvert Thing (the self-care JOY post I wrote Tuesday morning and posted yesterday) to Crash and Burn???

How, indeed! I bet you know the answer. I bet if you were here then you could've told me! (So where were you, by the way?). 

I stopped paying attention to my internal needs. Maybe I (unconsciously) thought I was "there" - had arrived at IT, whatever IT is - I thought I was "fixed"!

Well, I didn't actually think any of that - because it was all unconscious - but it was unconscious!

That's what happened. I stopped paying attention to my needs! I got overtired before I even knew I was tired. I didn't notice small things that annoyed me - until they built to bigger things that pissed me off.

Luckily I remembered to connect with people before the whole thing went too far. For me not only is isolation "a dream killer", as Barbara Sher says - but it's also a soul-sucker.

When I mentioned going into a crash-and-burn phase to Slightly-British Daughter, she suggested that maybe I could crash but not burn. And that's what I did - I got some much-needed rest, whined to folks about what ailed me - crashed with my almost 12 hour sleep - and then got up and kept marching...no burn - and that's something!

That Introvert Thing

FYI - When I say Introversion I'm talking about the Myers-Briggs version - meaning something like: getting your energy - revitalizing - from reflection/inner time (as opposed to Extroversion - getting energy from being around people and from action).

I learned something useful at the WriteSpeak Retreat - well, I learned lots of useful stuff at the Barbara Sher WriteSpeak retreat - but this is personal, more than writing/business related.

By the way, did I mention that I was at the Barbara Sher WriteSpeak retreat in Saluda? I did? A few times? Hmmm...Did I mention that I loved it? Yes? Good!

What I did was - I put a self-care thing into practice while I was away. My Introvert self (see above definition) gets overwhelmed at times. That always happens to me when I'm around a group of people. And it's got nothing to do with disliking people.

Aside: I do dislike people - in theory. But reality is another story (I wind up loving them - sigh! I have no scruples - double sigh!). My kids and I used to twist-quote a couple of Will Rogers sayings. He said : "A stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet." and "I never met a man I didn't like." - we said: "A friend is just someone you don't know well enough to dislike - yet."

None of the aside (above) has anything to do with this tale of self-care skill use - just saying.

So - in Saluda - at the Barbara Sher WriteSpeak retreat I consciously took care of my Introverted self. I pulled away when I felt overwhelmed or had old triggers jingling. I would take myself up to my room and get all comfy - turn the heat up, crawl into bed and pull up the covers, drink tea - drink water - whatever.

Then I'd do some chakra toning or facial acupressure (or some inner family work that I'm currently flipping over) until my Introvert wasn't looking like the face of Edvard Munch's The Scream. And soon I could go back and take my place with the other 14 awesome folks that were there.

At retreats in the past I would sometimes slink away and silently cry AFTER I was drowning in overwhelm. I'd feel horribly isolated and weird - sometimes I'd even leave before the thing was over (without saying goodbye!).

I'm not saying that pulling away was easy, but at least it was conscious. Most times I hated taking myself away during breaks when I knew there'd be mini-gatherings - fun stuff going on. I hated to miss anything. But - I needed to find respite - re-energize in the midst of all the good stuff.

This seemed to work quite well - The Saluda retreat is the first retreat or inspiring event that I've EVER attended where I haven't needed 2-times the length of the gathering to revitalize. I came back and got right into the swing...

Postscript: so then, let me tell you...I wrote the above on Monday night, but decided to wait to post it because I had the goof-ball jokes from friends to share yesterday.

Ok, so I planned to post this today, and last night I crashed...ahahahaaaaaaa...life is odd...Part II - tentatively titled "I crash and burn" will be tomorrow's post - stay tuned!

Tired of "Shoulding" on Yourself?

We just finished our new little perspective-shifting guidebook that promotes alternatives to "shoulding" on yourself  I get a huge kick out of saying "shoulding on myself" - or yourself - or just "shoulding" in general. 

And now (because we've got this anti-"shoulding" guide) I can say stuff about "shoulding" while going about Square-Peg business . Really - what could be better? Except maybe saying "WTF" in connection with business - and hey, I've got a post about that that I expect to put up pretty soon...

Anyway, I am in love!

I love, love, love our new Droppin' Like Leaves e-book! I love it when I remember to use the tools in it  to decrease my stress about stuff I've got to get done. 

I love the way Slightly-Brit did the lay-out (btw - you can download a few sample pages at the link above - then YOU can see why I'm hopping up and down over here).

I love that I got to work with Slightly-British Daughter on the project - and that we got it done when we said we would (ALL credit for that goes to SBD). 

I love that we were able to take material from a very fun telecall that we had through Square-Peg-People a couple years ago - and add new material and turn it into a guide that isn't just a one-time thing (as much fun as the telecall was, it only lasted for an hour!).

I love that the launch of Droppin Like Leaves landed during the Fall season here in Northeastern PA - and that the trees outside right now really look like the trees on the cover of the download!

And mostly I love that I get to share it - with YOU!

I feel like a giggly new mom - lifting the blanket so you can see my baby. uh-oh - glitch - I started to say: "Isn't ___ cute?" and got stuck...

Do I say: "Isn't HE cute?" or "Isn't SHE cute?" In truth I guess it's "Isn't IT cute?" - but ...jeez...that sounds weird...

Want to look at my cute baby? (oh, that worked..didn't need a "he" or a "she").

The Best Laid Plans

I planned to share "Before" and "After" pictures today - a little giggle involving an "After" picture of me lying on a hammock - all peaceful and serene...

and a "Before" picture that's - well - the opposite. Me with a freak-out face!

But I got up late (after staying up til 3 a.m. last night watching the Phillies game), and it's cold today (brrrrr - lying on a hammock in a parka and blankets seems lame), and besides, today is really casual-wear day (not business casual, but sloppy, not-going-out-of-the-house casual: yoga pants, a Phillies shirt - at least it's a clean one - and a house-sized snuggle sweater).

I wanted to use the pictures to emphasize something about our NEW! guide, Droppin' Like Leaves: Getting Rid of the 'Shoulds'...Well, I'll just do it without the aid of the before and after pictures...

Droppin' Like Leaves is a guide for when you're feeling overwhelmed by "shoulds" (have-to's, gotta's, and "oh s#@!, what NOW's) - and/or for when your to-do list is as long as your arm (or both arms or both arms and one leg). 

And (can you hear me jumping up and down?) we'll be offering it starting this Friday (October 16)!!

Here's the cover - I'm so excited!!

Underwater

I've been underwater for a couple~few weeks.

It's interesting that water is often associated with emotion (even as far back as Greek philosophy). 

So, like I said, I've been underwater...or it feels that way anyhow. I haven't exactly enjoyed the experience. I'm more comfortable above - because - for one thing, I don't have gills...

Some of the time I've felt like I was swimming - other times I could almost float. But most of the time it's been more like falling in - drowning. At first I tried some things. I mentioned on Twitter that I re-read Tina Mark's Yoga and Depression article. Following the article helped, as it often does. But I was still underwater.

I tried humor - watched funny movies, read from some of my collection of wildly hilarious books. Good - but still underwater. 

Then I decided to just surrender. Not in the way of giving in - more like accepting where I was and going with it. So I stopped fighting and started observing. Rode the underwater streams to the ocean - down down down - grew gills and fins and ohhh, a tail...I'm a mermaid. 

Let me say here - lest you think I've totally lost my mind - I'm talking figuratively, ok? Ok, so back to me turning into a mermaid. Let's be honest - I probably didn't turn into a mermaid - I think I was more like a piranha (ready to bite someone's leg or head off and spit out the bones. Yep, ask the fam...sigh).

Through all that I've had fragments of objectivity (some of the time). Let me say again: this only happened some of the time! I also spent a considerable amount of time griping, moping and even some time crying and...

I think that not fighting the feelings, going with the drowning so to speak - made it possible to be objective (at times - did I mention that this only happened some of the time?).

Being underwater is intriguing (if not fun - and it's NOT fun) - a bizarre baptism. There are some odd sights at the bottom - bright flowers, freakish fish with big eyes - everything go so sllllllllllllllow. 

I realized one day recently that I'm going through a death and rebirth experience. I have no real idea what's dying - and no idea what the rebirth will be about, but within about an hour of having that idea I wound up reading about and hearing about death and rebirth (and all the emotion involved) a few times. Confirmation!

Even though I don't know what the whole thing is about - I know one thing: I'm all for the rebirth part of the cycle - can't wait to see what comes out of that. But the death part - well, I'd like to outsource it! Probably good that I don't have that option. I guess I'd miss something if I successfully avoided the underwater thing.

I don't know how long I'll be underwater, but if you're underwater too (or ever have these experiences) check out this poem (and wave if you swim by me!) - sooooo appropos:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jelaluddin Rumi

(translation by Coleman Barks)

Thanks, Gaia Community, for the text of the Rumi poem.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

and we're planning a week of Breast Cancer Awareness and Body Mindfulness posts from Sunday, October 18th through Saturday the 24th.

We'll start by hosting author, SoulCollage® facilitator, and breast cancer survivor Anne Marie Bennett's blog book tour on October 18th.

!! We have a copy of Anne Marie's beautiful new book, Bright Side of the Road, for a give-away that week!! Thanks, Anne Marie !!!

Anne Marie (who you also know as the brains - and heart - behind Kaleidosoul) has written an incredibly honest and hope-filled book about her spiritual journey through the diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer.

It's not always easy to find a book (or a person) who will tell it like it is about what they are going through and also maintain a "Bright Side of the Road" attitude. But Anne Marie is that kind of person and she's written that kind of book! You can read a review of the book in the Square-Peg-People book review section. 

I hope to "see" you at the blog often during our special Breast Cancer Awareness and Body Mindfulness week (that's Sunday, October 18th through Saturday the 24th)!!.

And hey! Look at our new Body-Part Anyday button (thanks, Slightly-British Daughter!). Remember Body-Part Wednesday? Well, we've got the new "Anyday" button so we're not tied to any ONE day - we can talk body mindfulness any old day of the week! YEA!!

p.s. I've been MIA for a bit, working on a few things I'll share about in the next few days (and also kind of falling into the doldrums, which I'll also share about in the next few days..hey, come back here!!!) 

You Are Just Right - Right NOW!

Have you been to Corey Amaro's Tongue in Cheek blog lately? There's a post up now entitled: "Why Not Wear A Hot Pink Swimsuit And A Flower In Your Hair" that is blow-your-mind awesome!

It's about Corey's experience in a store - overhearing a mom/daughter dicussion about a rather "plunk" (remember my definition for "plunk" from the previous post?) woman who is in the same area. Well, actually the post is about so much more than that - it's beautiful and grace-filled and oh, go read it - you'll be glad.

(huge thanks to Slightly-Brit, who again pointed me toward something wonderful!! I adore Corey Amaro's work, but haven't been checking in on my favorite blogs lately because I've been too busy --- hmmmm, more of that holding myself up I mentioned in the last post - naughty! naughty! I get so much energy and joy from reading my favorite blogs - they go straight to my heart - so putting that aside to get more done actually results in less energy, less joy and less done!).

Let the Hammock Do All the Work

I've been racing. I've been eating on the run - or maybe on the run and between runs and right before and after runs - none of which is the subject here.

I will say though, that it's odd we've started the Body-Part Wednesday blog party when I've plunked up a bit. But then - Body-Part Wednesday isn't me teaching you how to "do this right" - it's US having FUN - playing with opening some new ways to be in relationship with our bodies.

Did I go off on a tangent? Again?!?

Oooh, one more tangent. I need to share the definition of "plunk". My 5 y/o granddaughter (Little Princess) and I coined the word (I think). "Plump" has some serious flaws - whereas "plunk" is fun - it means: "a little more in the pounds/stones department, but it looks good on you!"

Totally different from "plump", which sounds like "ready to be cooked" or, at least "ewwww".

Now - ahem - I'll get to the actual subject - that hammock I mentioned in the subject line.

I sat in mine (hammock, just so we're clear here) the other day. I made myself stop working to go outside in the gorgeous weather. Made myself stop saying: "Later, later". I knew it was time to smell the roses (not literally - the roses are off in another part of the yard - and my nose isn't hound-dog keen).

So I went out and sat on it ( again - that's the hammock - I sat on the hammock), then lay across it and looked up at the sky. I like to lay on it horizontally - mine is double-wide, so there's plenty of room and hey - why do anything "normal"?

My mayo-sis (like blood sister, but with mayonaise) terri st cloud has been writing about the sky lately. She's mentioned how, though construction workers have cut down many of her beloved trees, they can't take her sky. And that has reminded me of the sky I was missing - and helped me get myself out to the hammock.

I wasn't totally comfortable when I sat. That's why I switched to laying down, then back to sitting - then sitting with a book. And after only maybe ten or twenty minutes of these switches - lay, sit, read, don't read, lay, read...I "got" it. I finally realized why I was uncomfortable!

I was holding myself up. Honestly! I was sitting (or laying or sitting and reading) on a come-to-me-and-relax hammock and I was holding myself up - duh!

The experience was so much better when I reminded myself to let go. To let the hammock do the work. Yeah, I had to remind myself a few hundred times, but it was worth it. Isn't that the goofiest thing? To be in a comfy place - in comfy surroundings - giving myself a nice work-break to relax and then holding myself up??

I wonder how many other areas of my life I do that in? (p.s. Please, if you know the answer to that, don't tell me - it'll ruin the suspense.) Ok, I'm taking my plunk hiney outside right now to sit in that hammock again - or maybe lie across it and look up at the sky - and I'm not going to hold myself up.

How about you? Meaning (since I'm doubtful I'll find you outside on my hammock - though I'd be delighted!) what are YOU going to stop holding yourself up about?

If, for once, I got the lie/lay stuff right, it's due to an article I just found - by Tina Blue. Check it out - she's funny AND helpful!

Invitation to Body-Part Wednesday

Ok, I'm excited about something I hope we can all do together on the blog (and in connection with your blogs or Facebook accounts)!

I've been talking about self-care/body-image and related stuff off and on here. And every time I mention something on these topics there's a lot of response - either here in comments, on FB (where these posts show up) or in my e-mail.

I've wanted to write on these subjects more consistently, but being ME that hasn't happened...UNTIL Slightly-Brit came up with an idea that just might work!!

She suggested that I pick one day a week and write about and/or ask others to write/art or speak (record) about self care and body-image - and include other blogs. Basically she said - set it up so that others are involved and I have that consistency in place.

Well - knock me over with a feather - I don't know where that girl comes from! She's always coming up with ideas that it would take me 3 lifetimes to get to. And these great ideas don't feel impossible - or even like a crazy huge stretch - just things I wouldn't have thought of.

We've been discussing this idea since she first came up with it (after I peeled myself off the ceiling - because I was so excited). Every time it came up I'd refer to it as Body-Part Wednesday (who knows why - probably some diagnosable disorder - but that doesn't matter) - so Body-Part Wednesday is what it's called (it stuck - unlike me and the ceiling thing).

Next Wednesday, July 8, we're going to take this baby out of the bassinett and show her 'round - meaning (I'll explain because my metaphors sometimes suck) I'll tell you all about Body-Part Wednesday next Wednesday - how you can join in, how to put your blog or FB link up, etc.

Today, in preparation for Body-Part Wednesday (and btw, this is going to be FUN! Not drab, not scary, not rip out your guts and we'll examine your entrails - but FUN!) we've got a recording from my mayo sister (I always want to say "sister in crime" but so far we haven't committed any) the awesome terri st cloud from bone sigh arts!!!

In the recording ter brings us into a discussion she has with her inner ter (her inner child) that touches on self-care and body-image. And the recording touches your heart as only ter can do. I love this woman and the work she does and am honored beyond belief that she's my friend!!

Please give a listen to terri st cloud ~

p.s. ter has an ongoing series of "tuesday's child - me and Little t" recordings on the bone sigh arts site, so you can hear more!

Self-care Gone Wrong

This morning, as I was wringing my hands over my To-do list, a self-care idea popped into my head. I can't claim that it's an original idea - but it is an idea - you can't argue with that!

Many, many moons ago - in a Gestalt training session - our class was separated into pairs. Which is not even slightly interesting - but it's backstory for my ever so exciting self-care idea - so I implore you to read on...

Each pair was given a blop of lotion (you can imagine the perplexed faces as we awaited learning what our instructions would be!) and told to massage the partner's hands. If I remember correctly (and I rarely do) we were told not to talk. Just massage.

The lotion was rose-scented (again, this little-yet-exciting fact is anyone's guess for accuracy) and the experience was very sensual (I said sensual - not sexual - stop giving me that look!! Gestalt training is totally above board nowadays).

Soooo...as I wrang (is that the plural of "wrung"? Probably not!) my hands this morning I thought: "Aha! Voila! Woo hoo and Hurrah! If I stop wringing my hands and instead rub lotion into them - I could possibly get out of fear and doubt mode and into the now. Plus, the lotion would undoubtedly do wonders for my sunburn and hangnails."

I figured that a scented lotion would only heighten the experience! The whole thing could be very self-care-ish and connection to self-ish (not "selfish") and all that.

And it was - and I'm suggesting that rubbing lotion slowly into your hands - massaging the knuckles and nails and whatever the pieces of skin between each finger is called - and the palms and...just making a whole big 'ole "I love my hands" deal out of it - will ground you, connect you to yourself and bring your attention totally to the NOW.

But a little hint is in order - find a lotion that matches the mood you want, but be careful! I wanted the rose scent, but the closest I could find in the house was peach. And the peach smell made me almost gag - too sweet. Which got me thinking further. Since I was looking for some energy in order to attack my To-do list - something minty was called for.

I found a mint lotion and set to work. And I did feel grounded - and in the now. Unfortunately though, the lotion I used is something marketed specifically for feet - which probably doesn't matter, except I bought it for - and use it for - when my feet are super tired and worn out. So the scent that keeps wafting up from my hands (because the olfactory deal is primo when it comes to memory)  is saying "feet" to my nose.

Which, instead of energizing me, is causing me to keep sniffing and wondering if I need another shower.

Really - the lotion thing - good idea (if you get the right lotion)! Would love to hear your self-care ideas and/or self-care-gone-wrong stories!!