Square-Peg Reflections

Walking My Talk

I mentioned, in an earlier post, that I've been working on an e-book called Droppin' Like Leaves - about perspective, choice and taking the power out of our "shoulds".

While working on the e-book I've been struggling with my own self-imposed obligations - kinda cool because that gets me walking my talk. I'm becoming much more aware of my choices. And seeing that my choices are choices. I've been using the "I get to" stuff frequently.

For example: Yesterday I decided to plant some bulbs and perennials that have been sitting on the patio for weeks months too damn long. I can't say that I was thrilled about planting - Slightly-Brit and I have been doing some garden work daily and I was sore around the wrists as well as tired of mosquitos...

Initially I was whining to myself: "I have to plant these fricking things today or they're going to die - and I'm not in the mood!". But, since I've been nose-deep in the "shoulds" project, it didn't take me too long to turn that ugly "should" around (ok, it took half the day - about four hours - but who's counting).

I dropped the "should" and switched it to: "Hey! I get to plant these bulbs and perennials today." To be honest - I continued with: "I spent good money on them - so I darn well better get to them." It's obviously taking me awhile - but I am moving forward.

Eventually the whole thing turned around in my mind so that I even had a little gratitude: "I get to plant some bulbs and perennials today, and next year I'll get to see them thrive. Yea. The gardens are going to get better and better."

Maybe the power of choice went to my head a little - because I also told Slightly-Brit: "You get to plant bulbs and perennials - and then the gardens will get better and better!"

She told me where to get off - well, not actually - she's polite. But she did let me know that she would do her own deciding. We talked a bit, made some plans - and ended with this: we'd finish some of the loose ends on our e-book project "today" (which was yesterday) and plant bulbs and perennials "tomorrow" (which is today). Good plan! Good work taking the power out of our "shoulds".

Too bad it's raining today - sigh...

The Writing Imp(s)

In The Mindful Woman, Sue Patton Thoele says:

"Whenever I begin to write a book, the imperial imp in charge of writers in early stages of projects sees to think that it would be great fun to have me act, feel, and express exactly the opposite of my current topic."

Well Hell's bells, I know him (imps are hims, right?) - he's been sitting on my shoulder for quite awhile now.

Unfortunately I don't have the good sense that Sue Patton Thoele appears to have. In her book she went on (from the above quote) to explain how that darn imp annoyed her while she was working on each project. And it appeared that 'ole Sue did one project and then another - what a concept!

Me - I've been tackling a few at a time - and the imps are dancing in circles around me (yep, the imperial imp seems to have helpers). I think they're also laughing!

I think my imps are from a different branch though - mine come to call when I'm heading toward the end of a project.

During the past several weeks, while I've been working on a body-awareness/body-mindfulness product (a compliment to Choosing Me!), I've been swimming in shame around the whole body-image thing.

And I picked the same time to transition notes from a fun Square-Peg telecall into a little e-book - sharing tools for taking the negative power out of obligations (or "shoulds", as I call them in the e-book).

So - while working on Droppin' Like Leaves (that's the name of the e-book) I've got imps dancing around me and singing in 3 part harmony. One sings: "You gotta do THIS!" and another: "Ohmyword, you're gonna forget to get to all these!" and the third: "Holy $@#!, you're not working fast enough!" I'm "shoulding" on myself all over the place (or...it's the imps! That's it - it's the imps - I forgot for a minute).

I've got a few smaller things in the works too - so all total I think there are 376 imps assigned to my case. And just like Sue Patton Thoele said - I'm acting, feeling and expressing the exact opposite of everything I'm working on. Ugh! and Sigh! and Holy $@#! (to quote one of my imps).

Again it's the classic case of teaching what you need to know - and I guess it's very obvious that I need to know an awful lot! Sigh again!!

2nd Book Giveaway

You know that writing is good for you, right? I mean, really good for you. Like: it-can-save-your-life good for you!

Maybe not the kind Little Princess and I are doing in the photo above (as you can imagine, that picture definitely has a story!) - but writing absolutely can be good for you. It can help you clarify your dreams, figure out what's going on internally, map your future, give flight to your hopes, hold your less-than-lovely thoughts safely - oh, writing can rock your world...

In the hopes of inspiring YOU to write I'm giving away a copy of Jen Lee's journal: don't write. (subtitled: a reluctant journal). You can see the cover on her site.

I recently ordered two copies of the journal - one was for Slightly-Brit and the other was for this giveaway. As it turns out the journals are now sold out! I'm hoping Jen Lee stocks some more soon, because these are awesome.

The journal starts out with a heart grabbing poem, which you can read here. I love this poem! Please go read it!! I wish I'd thought (think ahead? who, me??) to ask, when I ordered the journals, if it'd be ok to quote a stanza from the poem - it's SO good!

The journal has other quotes and photos scattered throughout and it is just waiting for you to start putting your heart into - it's so much safer/smarter than writing on the wall!

All you need to do is comment on this post - I'll pick a commenter (randomly) on Tuesday, and then I'll let you know who gets the journal. ; )

Stop Me Before I Tweet Again!

I finally did what I've been threatening to do for months - joined Twitter - so now, if you'd like to follow me and hear even more minutiae concerning my day ("oh joy!" you say?), please jump right in here.

For those of you who don't know a lot about Twitter (hahahah, talk about the blind leading the blind) - you can sign up for free and you don't have to tell anyone what you're up to. You can "follow" people (read little notes on what they're up to) until you feel comfortable jumping in (or keep on "following" til Hades freezes over, nobody will make you talk!).

I can so see how this could get addictive. It's a little tricky finding the people you want to "follow" though - even when you know they are there. For example: in the "Find People" form I put the name Jenny Ryan (from Using My Powers for Good), because - well, because Jenny Ryan is awesome cool and very funny - and because I knew that reading what she's up to during the day would make me smile (and she absolutely refuses to send me dozens of notes a day detailing what she's doing - damn!).

Twitter came through with a response to my search almost immediately. But, unfortunately there are 6,305 Jenny Ryan's on Twitter (give or take). So - my advice (which I rarely give, because I'm usually wrong) is: use the link that people have on their blogs, sites, e-mail signatures - where it says: "Follow me on Twitter" to find your people. It's just easier.

My Twitter name is SquarePegKaren, but you can follow me by clicking on the nav bar link to the left (where it says "Follow me on Twitter") or using the link at the top of this post. Just think of the fun in your future - as you read many, many interesting exciting fun f-ing boring "tweets" about what I'm up to on any particular day!

OK, maybe that didn't sell you - how about this? Think how much fun it'll be to imagine me squirming as I attempt to write short notes about my goings-on. Short? me?? Yep, 140 characters or less - now that is hard!! You'll almost be able to see my angst on the page.

Cool, huh?

To Work or Not to Work

 
Or - more aptly - how to work. As usual in my mad, mad attempt to play the Portfolio Project game, I am rushing around last minute whining: "What am I going to write about?"

My favorite way to get into work mode is to square up my shoulders and head to the grindstone. NO. That's not it, I square up my shoulders and sidle away from the grindstone! I avoid work - it's the best way for me to get to work. Really, take today -

I couldn't think of a thing I wanted to write about. So I dawdled around, poked into my vast and disorganized Firefox Bookmarks and found an interesting Quaker essayist. I read about two sentences (not much in the mood for heavy thinking today) and started perusing his blog - ooooooooh cool. Book reviews. Read some. Links he likes ... and that's when I found what I'd write about.

So there you go - avoiding work actually helps me get right smack into it.

When I followed the link I found an online magazine called Ship of Fools, which is my kind of magazine - irreverent with a purpose. Their About page states: "We're here for people who prefer their religion disorganized..."

One of the first things I found at Ship of Fools was the create-a-curse thingy. There's a long explanation (which you can read yourself because my typing fingers are tired) - and then a button that says: "To create the biblical imprecation of your dreams, simply click the button below, and smite your foes with a custom-made curse straight out of the Old Testament!"

When I clicked I got: "Harken, thou breaker of the commandments, for you will be as welcome as a fart in the queen's bedchamber!"

What fun! An online source of curses when you're too worn to think up your own (and these have history behind them!!)

And then there was the gadgets page - with a Jesus Chair as the first item (something someone found, not something the magazine is selling, lest I mislead you).

Which caused me to remember a discussion Slightly-Brit, Manchild and I had just a few hours ago - but which I totally forgot until I saw the chair.

The cake. My crew went food shopping today, and let me mention here - my crew does the food shopping every week (for the past 10 years at least!) - don't you just wish you could rent these guys (I'm working on it - Rent a Peg - just kidding - about the renting, they really DO food shop!!).

They described a prize winning cake they'd seen in the bakery section of a local supermarket  - a big food store, part of a chain). The cake would've fit in one of the online magazine's strange sections - but I'm not sure which one - they had banners and signs that are slightly off, and the gadgets page...oh, I don't know...

The cake was an open Bible with Jesus looking over the pages. Chronology a little off there. Also, Jesus had a crown of thorns - made of icing! That's sacrilegious - not to mention creepy - someone with a thorn crown is just not likely to be reading in the first place - and then over your cake (blech).

So the cake made me think of Annie Dillard. I love this quote of hers:

"Why do people in church seem like cheerful, brainless tourists on a packaged tour of the Absolute? … Does anyone have the foggiest idea what sort of power we blithely invoke? Or, as I suspect, does no one believe a word of it? The churches are children playing on the floor with their chemistry sets, mixing up a batch of TNT to kill a Sunday morning. It is madness to wear ladies’ straw hats and velvet hats to church; we should all be wearing crash helmets. Ushers should issue life preservers and signal flares; they should lash us to our pews. For the sleeping god may wake someday and take offense, or the waking god may draw us to where we can never return.”

—Annie Dillard, Teaching a Stone to Talk

And there you go - I did think of something to write - or point at, anyway. Plus I figured out what I'd like to read tonight - I'm reaching for Annie Dillard's The Writing Life, which is a brilliant, sometimes funny, very on the mark book about the process of writing and what it's like to be a writer.

See you tomorrow.

Creative Flatline

Monday, boring boring Monday...sigh...not sure why, but nothing feels interesting today. I doubt it's the day itself - weekends and weekdays blur around here - no clear demarcation.

I finally finished writing the little welcome message that I'll record for visitor's to the Square-Peg-People site when it's done being rebuilt. Should (hate that word) be happy. Watched a bit of King Lear with Manchild earlier today (that's a post unto itself - Manchild was born with the philosophy of unschooling in his bones) until he curled up under blankets on the sofa and faced the back of the sofa (after he did that twice I began to understand that he'd had enough). We're rounding out our final official school year nicely though, should be thrilled.

I did other things around the house and office today - should feel like I'm getting somewhere. Now it's dark, yet too early for bed and I am bored wit-less. Neither reading (gasp!) or knitting sound even remotely interesting. I'm not in the mood for another raw food smoothie. Woe is me! Woe is YOU, actually - if you're reading this.

I'm determined to keep up with the Portfolio Project, sharing my writing nearly daily even when my posts are fluff - knowing that they are fluff - for the sake of the energy and flow that the discipline gives me (wow, can't believe I wrote "discipline" without having the shudders). But today, I don't feel the energy - flow seems like a joke.

How do YOU proceed through a day that feels boring? Do you look higher and lower, sure that there's something lovely that will change your feelings? If that doesn't work do you succumb to your favorite time or energy waster? I'm realizing as I ask that question - that one of my favorite time and energy wasters is chocolate - and I may be having a bit of a withdrawal reaction (can't say I'm bummed, just dulled) since I'm doing the raw food smoothie thing.

I feel like I should be enjoying the day, what's left of it - but instead it's like the title says - creative flatline.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Just Saying

I have loved everything I've ever read by Pam Grout. My favorite is probably Living Big: Embrace Your Passion and Leap into an Extraordinary Life.

One of my favorite lines from the book (and there are so many fun and/or fantastically inspiring- lines) is: "It takes courage to keep going when your work doesn't meet up to your expectations, when instead of getting Jane Austen, you get Barney's sing-a-along. You've got to keep plodding ahead anyway."

For those of us in the Portfolio Project who might feel we're dragging along at this point (Me! Me!) - I say: Let's keep having fun - even if we do feel a bit like we've got a big, purple butt.

And so, I want to share a few more quotes from Living Big - basically to inspire myself, but I'd love to have YOU come along and be inspired as well!!

"Creativity, then, is nonviolent resistance, resistance to the dog biscuits that society wants to throw you so you'll speak, sit, and roll over."

In the same book, Pam Grout quotes Bob Savino: "Every day, you are signaled and summoned to embark on a journey beyond the boundaries of all you have ever known. You need only relinguish your fears, open your heart and begin."

and Rollo May: "If you do not express your original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself.""

and, finally - another Pam Grout quote: "Our art teachers gave us the rules: Grass is green, skies are blue. Why did we listen? How can anybody else know what color your grass is?"

Shaking my purple bum...

Empty

I listened to Jen Lee's latest podcast today. It's called The Funk and it resonated with me.

Jen Lee described "symptoms" somewhat similar to mine - at least the cause seems to be the same.

(back story: Jen Lee offered the Portfolio Project game on her blog - I told myself I'd play - and would write a blog post a day - so far, so good. Latecomers to the game are welcome, please consider jumping in - it's just a game - a way to work with resistance and work on your creativity).

Today I wrote a ridiculously lengthy comment about Jen Lee's podcast - am realizing now that I "should" (hate that word) have written it here with a link in her comment section. But I didn't. There you go.

And that's part of the thing with writing a LOT. Mistakes, errors in judgment, saying too much, saying too little, having the writing not gel.  And that - the idea of looking perfectionism in the eye - maybe staring her down  - is big to me.

I haven't had the exact things Jen Lee mentioned going on for me. But there are similar stirrings. There's a similarity in not wanting to talk much. I feel "off" somehow. Often my off-ness feels related to relationships, not necessarily the amount or quality of my work, but I think that's a ruse - a red herring.

Because, as I said in my comment on Jen Lee's blog, I think I feel the ropes pulling in. I made a strange and nonsensical comparison to being on a ship - the rope to the anchor, other ropes..loose (not coiled - and why would that be?) beginning to get tighter - so that I could see myself eventually getting caught in them. As I wrote it I noted that, since I could see the #@!-ing things, there was no excuse for not getting out of their way...obviously the metaphor (if that load of hooha even qualifies for the term) did not hold well.

But the point was - I have been writing every day. I do not claim that I have been writing well, but I have been writing - which was the point. Somehow I feel that perfectionism is creeping up though (the rope thing - bear with me, please - or bare with me - which is what I wrote initially, thank heavens for online dictionaries, hmm?) - that pretty soon I will get caught up and not be able to write.

The ropes got a bit tighter last night. I was groggy from watching the inauguration on TV all day. There was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn't get it out. As I listened to Jen Lee I realized - ohhhhh, some of my problem was wanting to get it right! I almost didn't post. Finally I did, but felt like I'd swallowed lead - the thing did not sit right, did not half say what I wanted, seemed to say things I did not want...

Ok, I titled this post "Empty". There's a reason. I think I'm coming toward the end of something. I have a lot running around in my head most times. I can usually grab hold of a bit of something and cook it up.  But it feels like, perhaps, I'm coming to the back of the pantry --- "ohhh, nothing left but dust, mother..."

When I hit the back wall, when there's nothing left but dust - when I'm empty - I wonder -  what will I cook then? The beautiful glass bowl above, that Slightly-Brit found just the other day in a thrift shop, is empty - and reflecting some wicked-gorgeous light in the picture. Wouldn't it be lovely if, when I become empty, I cook up and serve light?

Better Days

Earlier today I mentioned, in a comment on another blog, that I was flying free with writing. The restraints are gone. I've pledged to post once a day and I'm having NO trouble.

Oh, when will I learn to keep these ridiculous thoughts to myself?

Here I am, with a sweet picture of our Christmas tree in all it's saggy latter day glory, which bites the dust tomorrow - and I really DID have an idea for a post. But I can't remember it.

I could write something comparing myself to the tree - how gravity (or death, in the tree's case - or maybe that whole march toward death in both the tree's case AND mine - gee, that's a nice thought) changes us --- but WHY?

I could write whatever end of the holiday season thing I must've had in mind earlier - except I can't remember it.

I could write about the smile/smirk Manchild had on his face today when I was getting ready to go for a walk. I lost my gloves, I dropped my sweater, my earring wouldn't stay on so I bit the hook to make it tighter - then the hook was too tight and I couldn't get it to work at all. I was growling. Slightly-Brit was asking why the hell a person would bite an earring as I attempted to bite it open (she said she supposed she could imagine why someone would bite an earring to make it tighter, but there was no sense at all in biting it to loosen it).

I continued to fuss with the earring until it worked again. Then I put it on and dropped my keys. And hollered - a lot. And Manchild made that smile/smirk thing. And I asked "Why?" and he said "Because you make everything such a big deal." He was looking at me like I was an amusing pet - and maybe he'd just put me back in the cage pretty soon.

Well, look at that - I did write about the smirk/smile. Aha! Now I can write about how I've outwitted the internal rebel - how nothing can keep me from writing...mwahhaha...oh wait, I think I'll just stop here and be grateful. Yes. Good idea.

Photo copyright Lauren Caterson, 2009

Writing Just Because

In my kitchen there's an old wooden roller thingamajig that I grew up seeing my great-aunt write notes on. She kept it in her dining room - on a beautiful wooden radio cabinet (that is now in my office) - and wrote reminders to herself there while she was on the phone talking to clients.

The wooden roller thingamajig holds adding machine paper. When anyone around here needs to make a note, they grab the paper, pull off a few inches (unless it's Man-Child, who pulls off a few feet) and jot things down. If it's me doing the grabbing and jotting, I then invariably lose the note within an hour (give or take).

Today I put a note in my jeans pocket and promised myself not to lose it. I've jumped in (feet and heart) to the Portfolio Project, a cool Just-Do-It type inspirational, motivational, encouraging plan that Jen Lee came up with (see link). My Project plan is to write 5 times a week on the blog. The note I tucked into my jeans pocket was an idea for today's blog post.

I didn't lose the note! But, it turns out that all I wrote in the note (which took awhile to decipher - I write in hieroglyphics - AND I was wired on a mocha coffee drink when I wrote it) were ideas for an addendum (back-story/side-story).

So here I am - ready to send out another post - and I've totally forgotten what I wanted to say. There's some information in my note about why I chose a counseling master's over social work. There's another little note about a brilliant duo. ??? Not a clue!

I will not let that daunt me. Here I am - vulnerable, open and quite possibly losing my mind - writing on the blog because I made a plan to write on the blog.

And LOOK at this: another thing I made a plan to do was befriend the rebel in me - the part of me who growls about doing anything according to plan, who foils anything that involves being disciplined - ooh, yuck - I hate that word! I think my rebel is sitting right beside me here - maybe we will be friends (oooooooh, did I hear someone say: hie thee to a therapist - and soon! lol).

Photo: Wendy's feet, copyright Wendy Lee Lynds, 2008