What's in YOUR Punchbowl?

 

Last week I went on a writing retreat. An odd writing retreat. A grief-centered writing retreat. Can I get a: "Huh?"

Thanks. Ok, I'll explain...

I was reading The Undervalued Self by Elaine Aron, Ph.D. She maintains that: "We all have an undervalued self buried deep inside, a part that can make us feel worthless."

In her book, Dr. Aron includes check-lists that help us evaluate and quantify what has effected our self esteem throughout life. She has us make lists - lots of lists.

While reading - and listing - I realized that I wanted to explore some of the things on my lists in more depth. That's where the grief-centered writing retreat came in.

I decided on making a grief time line (grief referring not only to death, but loss in general). It just felt like the right thing...

I know, it sounds like as much fun as the party where someone throws a rat in the punch bowl (or, as my grandmother used to say: as much fun as a turd in the punch bowl - ack!).

But even though I didn't figure it would be fun, I did figure it would be helpful. I made one long ago, in a grief class in grad school - and I learned a lot.

It's amazing to see - to connect with and appreciate what we go through - and still get out of bed after going through!

Clarissa Pinkola Este's, Ph.D. describes a similar process in Women Who Run With the Wolves, where she writes about making a scapecoat.

"...a coat that details in painting, writing, and with all manner of things pinned and stitched to it...all the traumas, all the wounds, all the scars." She alternately calls this a "battlecoat".

And she said - of her own battlecoat:

"I found myself admiring the ovarios of the woman who could wear such a coat and still be walking foursquare, singing, creating, and wagging her tail."

Really!

That's the value of this turd-in-the-punch-bowl kind of work. I'm still connecting with my time line - and finding more appreciation for myself through studying it.

That's got me wondering: What are YOUR rituals or honoring ceremonies or turd-in-the-punch-bowl list makings for taking note of the hard things you've gone through - and appreciating your strength and resilience?

And if you don't yet have a way to honor your losses/challenges/hard times: What would yours look like if you did?

~ ~ ~ ~

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Comments

[Teryll]

I'v been taking part of a class called DESIGN. Each letter represents a topic/subject matter we focus on during the course of the class. "E" stood for experience and part of the class required us to make a timeline of pivotal circumstances in our lives, from birth to where we are now. These can include positive and negative events, some are even both positive and negative. I really went into it thinking there'd be more negative circumstances than positive ones. Anyhoo, after creating this timeline, we were asked to write down next to each pivotal circumstance, what we gained from it. Isn't that cool? Reflection is so important, especially when we feel like we are just flailing about.

[Square-Peg Karen]

Teryll, that class sounds fantastic -- is it online or live?

And isn't it wild (and almost always surprising) how you can SEE growth and gain in the rough patches (even tho that's usually AFTER you go thru them, not during)!

Wooha (that's a good cheer, right? lol) to Reflection, that vital tool - and friend!!!!

[Teryll]

It's a live class. Here are the topics we have and are covering:

DREAMS/DESIRES
EXPERIENCES
SPIRITUAL GIFTS
INTERPERSONAL STYLE
GROWTH PHASE
NATURAL ABILITIES

[Square-Peg Karen]

Teryll, that sounds fantastic!! Aren't growth and reflection and development kind of classes (whether artistic, food-oriented, psych-ish, spiritual or whatever) just ROCKING awesome?? P.S. You have to say yes..lol

[wendy lee lynds]

A friend from a recent high school reunion said this about life and I thought it went well with your topic, karen and dovetailed with Teryll's comments:

"I’ve decided that life is a lot like a stained glass window. (maybe a collage in your case) Lots of brokenness, some cuts along the way, but when held together with the lead and solder, they make something beautiful and when God’s light shines through the brokenness…it is beauty to behold." Bill M.

I thought that was an amazing analogy!!!

[Pamela Jones]

Karen,
As I read your post today, I was taken through my own timeline -- one that most would say carries more than its share of grief and loss. In looking at it several years ago, I tried to see each sad event as a speed bump on the road of my life. When we hit one, it sort of rattles us, but we collect our wits and move on with a better understanding of how to meet the next one. When several come in a row, we can be shaken and unable to collect ourselves for a time. Once we are beyond them, we can choose to dwell on the shaking or we can choose to better appreciate the smooth road as we glide along. With each speed bump that has slowed me down, I can identify growth and greater understanding of myself that has resulted. This is what I choose to carry with me as I leave the bumps behind. When we are challenged, we have two choices: we can give up, or we can grow and survive. When I look at my grief timeline, I can see that I am a survivor. Grief is love turned inside out -- and when we grieve deeply, we should always remember that it means we love deeply. That is a good thing to know!

[Teryll]

Wendy/Mom - Love that phrase, I'm sharing that!!!!!

Karen - YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Wendy/Mom (lol, just HAD to write that- coz Teryll did -- and it made me smile--of course she had reason to...)

The stained glass thing works -- I used to work in stained glass, had pieces in a couple local places - loved the work, loved the glass! And I remember that, as light shown thru (showed thru?) the whole piece was different -- and different with each type of light: day, mid-day, evening...

Thanks, Wendy!! Hope the reunion rocked!!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Yes, yes, Pam! And I see the speed bumps as part of the tapestry/the road -- part of the dark and light -- they both belong (dark and light, grief and love, etc.-the opposites) to the whole thing.

Both parts are vital to remember and honor because they're part of the whole. Because it's not the same road/tapestry without all the parts (if that made sense..lol).

[emma]

I've never thought about this before, but I love the question. And it made me realize that though I've never created anything concrete to honor grief/loss/hardship, the stretch marks on my body are testament to what I've experienced since I frequently have used food to cope - gaining and losing weight in an unconscious manifestation of emotional trudging. It may sound strange, but this thought gives me a new appreciation for those little (and not so little) lines.

I love that you took this retreat for yourself! Kudos and hugs. :)

[Square-Peg Karen]

Hey Em, thanks for this! It helps me get a new appreciation for honoring grief and loss!! Hugs to YOU!!