Now

This is my entry in the Support Stories blog round-robin. Please head over to the link for an explanation of the round-robin and the list (and links) of contributors.

One of the deepest ways that I connect with my inner support is through honoring my intuition and/or instincts (those little nudges that don't necessarily make logical sense, but just feel right).

I have a lot of me-and-my-nudges stories, some about honoring the nudges and some - sadly - about ignoring them. I thought about sharing one of the stories where I listened to a nudge and thereby moved into more connection with my inner self.

There was the really cool time when following a nudge led my daughters and I into unschooling (a great - and lifelong - experience).

Or the time when, during a grad school interview, I (nervously - knees shaking) responded to a nudge by answering a question in a way that I felt was honest, but was going to kill my chance for getting into the program (the chair of the program later told me that my answer was actually the reason I was accepted).

But I couldn't tell you those stories - they wouldn't flow. It turns out that the story that wanted to be told is not one of the easy ones - not one of the "ok, all's right with the world" ones.

The one that wanted to be told is a hard story - an unfinished one - one that's still got its tentacles wrapped in and around my heart.

It's a story about the hardest thing I've ever been through. And because it involves other people I'm not even free to tell you very much about the actual events.

What I can tell you about is my experience of the events. And I can sum that up in one word: devastation.

Ack! I can think of lots of words: heartbreak, court, unnecessary pain, Judas experience (wait, those last two are phrases) - ok, it's hard for me to ever stick to one word, but you get the picture.

But my story, the part where I tell you about connecting with my inner support - finding the strength within, isn't about any of those words. The part that's relevant to the Support Stories blog round robin is about what happened during the hard part.

Well, let me get to the story:

It was a horribly painful time (yes, I know that I told you that already)...

There were a number of trips to court - and some tense, and even scary, meetings. I was a mess - for months. I didn't sleep well, couldn't eat - I lost 40 lbs. in a couple months (don't worry, I found them again).

I could not concentrate. Books, which have been a stand-by support tool my whole life, were no help to me. I could not read a full length accept-life-as-it-is/embrace-the-tough-times self help book - NO fricking way!

But I found a path to my inner strength through a book anyway. A page in a book. Ok, if we're going to be technically correct, it was actually a couple paragraphs on a page in a book.

The book was The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. I can't read that book on a good day - I've heard that it's got great stuff in it - friends of mine love it - but Eckhart writes different than I read. I don't know why I even pulled that particular book off my bookshelf at a time when I couldn't concentrate - but I did.

I found a page - those couple paragraphs - where there was a description of BE-ing in the moment. BE-ing right NOW. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Quiet the mind. Breath.

Was it a description? It was more like being talked down. Like I was standing on the windowsill ready to jump - and kind ole Eckhart was talking slow and gentle - helping me relax into NOW - just NOW.

Breathe. NOW. That's it. Breathe. NOW. Is everything ok NOW? Right now? Not a minute ago, not a minute from now. NOW. That was all I had anyway - now (but isn't that so easy to forget?). The breath is a deep connection to our inner support.

I couldn't even remember the little breathe. now. thing. I had to pick up the book and read those words to myself 3 or 4 times a day - like taking a prescription.

It helped. It was something small that gave me support - tapped into my inner strength. And I got better at BE-ing in general.

I found that I didn't need a book's worth of words - part of a page seemed to save my life. Small things could connect me to (and feed) my inner support:

a piece of music, a bit of sunshine, a giggle (funny, I thought I was an old hand at BE-ing before the devastating events happened).

Even though the acute part of my story is in the past, the story isn't over. I'm still involved with people who were part of the story, there are still reverberations - fallout - pain.

And there is still, always, the small stuff - the simple stuff: breath, listen, look - nature, beauty, music, laughter...things that connect me to inner support - to my strength within. The NOW.

Comments

[Dian Reid]

you know, karen, i've read the whole book. i think you captured the essence in those paragraphs you got your handy little eyes on that day. your intuition is truly powerful my friend.

this morning i struggled through a few yoga poses (p90x yoga is yoga on crack, hopped up on nitrates, attached to a lightning bolt) and found myself blurting out, "godDAMmit!" as i fell out of pose after pose. the tip of the day was "clear the mind and just breathe".

and then as i sat down to read all these beautiful stories you lined up for us, i set my coffee cup down on a coaster on the couch cushion (you see where this is going, right??) just as my tuxedo cat lept up to be next to me...and my now freshly spilt coffee. again with the blurting.

as i sit here and read this story, i know for sure that clearing the mind is not possible without that first step. breathe. you needed to read it on those pages that day, that week, that month (and maybe even now every once in a while), and i need to read it here in your pages.

thank you, my friend. for so many things. for the breathing, for the sharing, for the facilitating, for the being. mostly, for the being. oh, and the square-peggishness (yes, spell-check, that IS correct—PEGGISHNESS!!) that is YOU.

xoxo

[danette - olive & hope]

moment by moment, whether it's the breath, or music, or nature...just BE-ing. here. now. good.ness there is power in that. Thank you for this my dear. xo

[Bridget]

That space, where you can only handle a couple of paragraphs and yet the wisdom is distilled into what you can only handle, that's the space of grace.

Breathe now is the whole message. Breathe now. Is it okay now? This minute. Yes. For most of us, the answer is yes. And for those whose answer is no, the minutes will go by until there is a yes.

Love you and everything you're about!

[Kathy]

As Eckart so wisely points out (I think) there is no other moment than now. The past is history and the future is a story we are making up - well, actually so is the past usually.

In the tonic of those two paragraphs you found a deep healing that, to my mind, is always true. You found what brings you present to now, to life, to breath and that is the peace that holds center in the midst of chaos.

Do you know you shine with this peace? you do!

As for Tolle, I found it easier to listen to him deliver The Power of Now on mp3 while gardening. I listened to A New Earth while driving the length of California.

The music of your heart has woven a symphony of stories from other women of heart and Love is radiating into the world because you, dear Karen, were present enough to the now to hear and respond to the whisper of this round robin that wanted to be born.

Thanks for that!

[Michelle Russell]

Ah, Karen, thank you. Thanks for sharing what helped you in a painful situation that is clearly still going on, even though it wasn't easy or fun to write about.

But you found a mantra for yourself, and look how powerful! I love this: "I found that I didn't need a book's worth of words." Yes!!!

I often watch myself picking up yet another self-help book and thinking, "Why am I doing this? I already have all the head knowledge I need--I just need to practice what I know."

What you did (do) is what real practice looks like. Doing something that might be as utterly simple as taking a breath with full awareness...but doing it consistently enough that it starts changing you right in the middle of the hard.

Thanks for this inspiration, Karen!

[terri st. cloud]

i've got tears in my eyes cause i know the story that you speak of and i've wondered how on earth you get thru. you may have even told me this before, but i don't think it's until now that it really hit. i'm so glad you found something. and i realize the power of that breathing...and i'm gonna definitely remember this for my own stuff. thank you, kar, for this post!

[jane]

one of the things that has saved my life is the knowledge that the only real thing happening to me is the breath in and the breath out... love to you x

[Julie Daley]

Karen,
You are one strong woman, my friend. I am so glad to know you, and to learn from your wise ways. Thank you for rounding us all up again for this beautiful round robin of inspiration.
Love to you, dear one,
Julie

[WRO]

I've come to your round robin Karen at a time when I am needing to read about surviving devastation through oneself. So I pause after reading yours
and breathe
and it brings me back into my body and the moment.

thank you,
WRO

[Square-Peg Karen]

WRO, your words went right to my heart! Glad you found the round robin when you did - please keep doing that breathe thing - and hanging on to the moment. Here's hoping it gets smoother soon!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Thank you, Julie - your words mean a lot! Love you!!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

dear, dear jane - i am SO glad you knew to hang on to the breath! So glad to know you!! Much love!!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

ohhh, ter - sister of my heart -- love you so - thanks so much for being there through all of it!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

You're so welcome, Michelle! Thank YOU for your encouragement and wise words!!! Big hug!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Kathy, your words move me to tears! I don't think of myself as shining with peace, but I'm going to TRY to...

SO glad I "met" you a year ago (thank you, Gwen Bell) - your grace has made such a difference in my life!

p.s. hmmm - maybe i could try listening to mr hard-to-read, that might work!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Bridget! Dear, dear Bridget!! I feel the same about you - and grace, ohmyword, grace is IT!

[Square-Peg Karen]

You nailed it, Danette--BE-ing!! Such power! Thank YOU! Big hugs!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

I'm THERE with you, Dian - lol - I saw the spill coming -- and ohmyword, we know i'd be blurting!

Your yoga descriptions just cracked me up -- (do they advertise that way??). Thanks for "getting" the square-peg thing - love to you!!