Poking Pollyanna With a Stick on Mother's Day

I've been thinking about Mother's Day. And I'm growling a little...

While I realize the worth in, and reasons for, taking a day to be grateful (to and) for the one who brought us into this world - and for enjoying sweetness from those we brought into the world (if that's our experience) -

sometimes (sometimes?) we roll into group-think around holidays and similar occasions. Sometimes (sometimes?) a majority voice takes over and reality gets blurry. And people with different experiences get lost - or drowned.

In case you forgot because you're drowning in perfect-mother stories or pictures: we have all been less-than-perfect mothers (if we had children) and we have all had less-than-perfect mothers (if we weren't cloned).

Plus there are those among us who were half-mothered, absent-mothered, or even evil-mothered. And those who've lost their mothers. And there are those among us who would give anything to be a mother, or who had the experience of being a mother, but then lost that status...

While I'm not advocating the sharing of mommy-dearest stories on Mother's Day, or suggesting we ignore motherhood, or cease celebrating...

I am calling out the emotional Photoshop work that I've seen lately on the internet.

I get it - I like seeing what your mama looks(ed) like, same as I like seeing what you looked like as a kid.

But there's something disconcerting to me about the layer of sweetness & light added in way too many folks' internet postings. I don't think there's (usually) intent to deceive, but could we stop adding the halos, glitz and unicorns in public, please?

That's the thing - in public! Because who doesn't love to get slathered with praise? No one wants to get (or give) the card that says: "You were a so-so mother."

(And hey, if Lizzie Borden's kids - if she had kids - cropped the axe right out of the family photos they shared on Facebook - who could blame them?)

We all want to read (or hear - or give) the message that says: "You were - you ARE - the best of the best. You make the sun shine!"

Of course. Even while we know it's patently untrue. It's hyperbole - it comes from love! It's wonderful - in private.

But in public - I wonder about the effect that the fake shine and glitter has on people who maybe aren't having (or never had) the June Cleaver Mother's Day Experience?????

Comments

[jane]

oooo baby i am cheering over here - thank you for that - i have felt like a leper not changing my photo for my mothers or being able to say sweet things about mother's day and spent the day grouchy and triggered with my own children (and 4 hours behind the nit comb but that is a whole other story).... i described myself as Pollyanna just this morning but i can say something is shit when it is brown and smelly... ahh Karen you are a bloody beauty as we say down here! <3

[Amna]

Karen, you are so right. There's something fake and greasy about the public-ness of it - like the portion that's for show is the part that's important, regardless of what the underlying complexities might really be. It makes me kinda queasy, and you put your finger on why.

Anyway. You are brilliant and I love you.

[Square-Peg Karen]

Ah, jane - you touched my heart a million ways here!

Cheers to you as well! And you are very welcome. The over-shine thing felt like the elephant in the room to me -- and you know how that can be-> people can easily get trampled underfoot.

Hope the rest of your day had some sweetness in it! Muah! Hey, giggling much at the "bloody beauty" - I could get used to that!!

p.s.i wrote somewhere that an important thing I look for in a friend is the ability to say shit when they're standing in it - lol.

p.p.s. I love Polly's - my middle name is Pollyanna sometimes (when it isn't F**k), it wasn't Pollyannaism I was calling out, but the (very often unrealized - unplanned - go with the pack) lack of integrity that could lead to shame/pain for others.

[Square-Peg Karen]

Thanks for this, Amna.

"...the portion that's for show is the part that's important, regardless of what the underlying complexities might really be." - that's a facet I didn't even see, much less articulate! That's what made the over-shine public-ness so potentially painful to folks who only see the public view (the belief that the shiney public view is true for so many others - and so far from their truth).

And ditto, woman: YOU are brilliant and I love you!!

[Milliver's Travels]

This was a truly satisfying read ;~)

Except for a "Happy Mother's Day" text from my daughter (who lives too far away for us to celebrate holidays together) I totally skipped doing Mother's Day. I didn't see any of that stuff you saw. And now I'm glad.

Thanks for telling it like it is!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Glad you didn't see any of the poo, Milli! Thanks for commenting - sending you a big, virtual hug {{Milli}}.

[Giulietta the Muse]

Hi Karen,

I know what you mean about the emotional photoshopping - such a great term. What I heard/read didn't agree with what many women in my writing classes have written or what friends have said. I know many women who've struggled with their mothers. I've struggled with my own mother and she with me. And she struggled with her mother and so on back in time.

The blurring of reality happens with mothers, marriages, life, etc. Again, we're frightened into believing that showing anything less than perfect makes us unlovable.

Not true! Really interesting that my Making Peace With Our Mothers life shop didn't get even one like on FB! (except my husband who thumbs up everything I post.) Yet all my others entries have. It's as if no one wanted to touch it with a ten-foot cyber pole.

Loved this ... G.

[Kathy]

Oooh I like it when you poke Pollylanna with a stick!

[janie]

I don't know what happened to my post, I tried to preview it and it went poof into the universe ... so I'll write it again (if I can only remember my words) ... I was one of the people that posted a picture of my mom on facebook ... I did it because I not only loved the picture (her meeting a great granddaughter for the first time, it looked like they were sharing a secret ... one old soul to another), but because I lost mom a year ago on May 2nd, so I am still adjusting to the idea that I can't call her to see how she is doing, I can't relay stories about my day, my job, the kids and grandbabies ... I didn't take any offense at what was said in your post, my mom wasn't perfect, and I definitely wasn't a perfect mom ... my kids aren't perfect parents but they have no requirement to be perfect, just to continue growing and learning. but very happily I've taught my 3 kids to honor everyone for any/all reason. they don't wait for mothers day/fathers day/christmas to give a gift ... they wait till they find the item/gift/story etc that comes from their heart and then they share it with who-ever is the receiver. they honor their friends, children, mothers, aunts, fathers and uncles ... and I honor them when I thank them for choosing me as their mom.

[Square-Peg Karen]

Thanks for this, Giulietta! And what you said: "Again, we're frightened into believing that showing anything less than perfect makes us unlovable." - that's the core, isn't it? And it's the opposite of truth!!

Very interesting about you Making Peace With our Mothers not getting one FB "like" - VERY interesting!

[Square-Peg Karen]

You make me smile, Kathy!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

janie, the adjustment you talked about - not being able to relay stories to your mom - my heart goes out to you! And I would think that the Mother's Day holiday being so close to the time you lost your mom would make that holiday particularly rough.

The picture your described - that you put on FB - sounds delightful! Delight FULL!

I'm glad you didn't take offense at the Pollyanna post - I would not have wanted to hurt you!! I wasn't talking about sharing pictures, that's sweet -- but more about the energy - the denial - around some of the sharing that went on. The kind of thing where someone, as a mother, was presented as perfect -- which only leads to other people feeling less than (because anyone who's honest has to say that PERFECTION was not their experience as a mother, or as one who was mothered).

I LOVE what you taught your kids -- how wonderful to grow up learning to honor everyone for "any/all reasons"!!

p.s.I'm sorry your comment disappeared - I hate when that happens!

[emma]

I LOVE this post! And I'm in complete agreement with the sentiment behind it, which is why I don't engage in the public celebration of Mother's Day. I do love my mom, but it's far too complicated of a relationship to fit into a Hallmark Card revealed in the proverbial town square.

[Square-Peg Karen]

What you said, Em!! It's the Hallmark Card thing -- "in the proverbial town square" that felt inauthentic/potentially confusing & hurtful.

I do wish that I could have written the post in less of a personally-pissed way and more of a loving-connected way, though.

Glad you love the post - and so glad to see you here!!