Talk Too Much?

Do you talk too much?

Do I talk too much?

Um - yeah, I do. Hell yes even! Jeez - that was an easy one to answer.

You? I can't say - but please read on to see if you've been swinging on a conversational pendulum like me.

~

I've talked to a shipload of self-professed Square-Pegs over the years (you can read some of the Square-Peg People interviews I've had with folks at this link)...

one thing that stands out from those talks is that many folks who resonate with the term Square-Peg acknowledge having had periods of deep aloneness.

And who do you talk to when you're feeling deeply alone? Often (obviously) no one.

For me that meant years of holding a lot in (hard to believe now, isn't it?) - holding my thoughts and emotions heart-clenchingly close to my chest.

Enter (stage right) many seasons of growth, therapy, healing, positive relationships and Voila! - I could freely share my thoughts and emotions.

What freedom, what joy, what a lot of release (mental picture of dam breaking)! What a lot of talking!!

Which worked - and was lovely. Until it didn't - and wasn't.

Life handed me one of those funny-after-the-fact lessons. I talked about it in the post Be Here Now - which says, basically, that I came to a place where my usual go-to folks were gone.

Wow! I immediately noticed an uncomfortable feeling when I wasn't able to talk with friends about whatever was going on in my life at the moment.

Paying attention to the uncomfortable feeling led me to notice that I'd been swinging on a pendulum: off to one side when I was younger, holding pretty much everything close to my chest; off to the other side more recently, sharing pretty much everything as it occurred.

Swinging on a conversational (Square-Peg, of course) pendulum. Interesting!

But this isn't really about talking too much - or about shutting up & holding things in. It's about noticing what's helpful - and what isn't.

When I noticed the uncomfortable feeling cropping up if I couldn't share my thoughts or feelings right away, I knew that something wasn't helpful - something wanted adjustment.

What to do? What to do?? No way did I want to go back to holding everything in, to being mousey quiet again. That surely wasn't the road to anything healthy...

So where could I go with good news - or yucky news - or whatever pushes my "I wanna tell somebody" button?

The answer was right there in front of behind my nose: go home - to me - to myself!

Running instantly to someone else with thoughts and feelings about what was going on in my life had become dissociative. It took me out of myself. It started slowly - when I first felt free to share feelings and thoughts I wasn't dissociating, just sharing (and glad to do so).

But gradually (I'm picturing the frog in hot water here) I began to share too quickly, too often. And that was dissociative. Which is why I felt uncomfortable when my go-tos were gone.

I wasn't giving myself time with my thoughts or feelings before I shared them with others. I wasn't connecting with myself as much as with others.

So now I'm relearning the process of coming home to self first - holding those thoughts and emotions that come up around everyday events for awhile (finding a resting place, a peaceful spot inside) before sharing with friends.

And finding that the frantic urge to tell someone else is often gone once I sit with myself for awhile.

Sometimes it's tricky - because my default is set to RUN. TELL. SOMEONE. ELSE. - forgetting that I am my own closest friend first. But relearning to stop and connect with myself before sharing with others feels healthy - for me and my friendships!

How about YOU? Have you felt the conversational pendulum swing? What's your experience been?

Comments

[Kristina]

Karen, you have just no idea how totally *timely* this post was. I've just run into this idea, the idea of holding things in a little, letting them percolate, letting my ideas work their magic on me. It's a new idea to me, because I, like you, have been reveling in the ability to spill it all. My problem, too, is learning who/when/where it's appropriate, and how much.

Thanks for this Karen!!

[Karen D]

Karen,

This was a huge a-ha for me. When I was young I didn't share much at all because I didn't feel much. Now at 55 I am spilling over with so many ideas or connections I think are significant ... and it feels like I am talking way too much. You said: "I wasn't giving myself time with my thoughts or feelings before I shared them with others. I wasn't connecting with myself as much as with others." Bingo. It is not only a way to connect; I am often wanting someone else to do the work of processing for me. Helpful post ... thanks!

[Charlotte Dixon]

Interesting, because my default is to go within and not seek to talk to others about what might be bothering me. So I've been attempting to do the opposite, and actually seek people out when I need help. For those who are trying to process a bit more before talking to others, may I recommend journaling? To me, it is a lifesaver, I couldn't live without it!

[Dagny]

Karen,

I have gone from 'holding things in' to 'letting things wash over me and wait for them to settle down'. I seem to have missed the 'rush to tell someone else' stage entirely. I am not sure it was a good thing. It might have done me a world of good. What say..?

*brooding pensively*

Dagny

[Square-Peg Karen]

Ah, Kristina - I'm so glad this was timely!

Have you read Eric Maisel's Fearless Creating? (I wrote a review of it here: http://www.squarepegpeople.com/fearless-creating-book-review.php ) - he talks about doing that very thing - holding an idea and letting it percolate - I didn't think of that when I was writing this post, but it works (and is just as wise) for work/creativity as much as in personal life. Thanks for reminding me!!

Love what you said here: "I...have been reveling in the ability to spill it all." The spilling thing is wild cool, feels so good - especially when we've held it in for awhile -- but then the holding it in (not forever) is cool, too -- all a matter of being conscious of which/what/how, I think.

Muah!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Hi Karen, thanks for stopping by and commenting!!

I hear you - if you didn't feel much earlier in life (I can relate!), and now you're "spilling over" with good stuff, of course you want to share - it's so awesome to do that!!

And it's awesome to notice when we leave ourSELVES out of the equation. My guess is, since you so brilliantly named what was happening for you at times ("I am often wanting someone else to do the work of processing for me"), you'll probably be way more conscious of the whole process now - and be able to decide when to hold and when to fold (giggling over the Kenny ? song going on in my head now).

[Square-Peg Karen]

YES - in bright lights! lol

Thanks, Charlotte, for sharing a great tool for helping in the process!!

And how cool that you are mindful of your default and "attempting to do the opposite" - and it's the opposite of my opposite - grin. I mean, I like seeing flip sides of the coin stuff -- somehow that helps me find balance.

Have I told you how much I love your profile pic (or is it called avatar when it's in comments, not on FB??) - I do! It rocks!!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Dear Dagny, I would imagine that your gifted word work (thinking here particularly of your fiction - because of the way it allows you to "be" other people) may have something to do with why you may have missed the rushing stage. Does that make sense?

I'm guessing that your smooth transition was a wonderful choice for you - and I love the phrase "letting things wash over me" - it has the sound of patience and grace!

[Charlotte Dixon]

Thanks, Karen, for the compliment on my profile pic/avatar (I'm not sure what its called either). And I love that we got connected to each other!