Community is an Inside Job

 

The title of this post started as: Community Begins with YOU (ok, so it's different now - frequent changes seem to be a Square-Peg thing).

I believe the phrase "community begins with you" jumped into my mind so quickly because lately I've been re-learning how important SELF (the you) is in being part of healthy community. Here's what I've been (re)learning:

When I think about community I usually start outside myself - I think of others - a group. But community is, first, an inside job - it starts with connection to SELF.

Only when I'm settled into, and connected to, my own SELF can I go outside mySELF and connect deeply with other selves. I have a feeling this is true for you, too.

If I start reaching out before connecting internally (with my own SELF) I'm likely to be off-balance - seeking external validation and approval. Ask me how I know this (grin).

I've experienced some strange stuff when I've attempted to connect with community before connecting with SELF: I've been hurt, disappointed, frustrated - even angered.

When I wasn't responded to quickly enough I might get hurt feelings; when someone didn't agree with me it could feel like abandonment. My emotions might soar when sharing with friends - and then plummet during times when contact was infrequent. Yikes!

All those emotional ups and downs could be traced back to not connecting with SELF before connecting with community!

On the flip side, when I'm in the connected-to-self state I usually feel my deep connection to everything else. I walk IN the connection, rather than seeking it - which makes me better able to give and receive the gifts of community.

So, how to go about connecting internally - building on that connection with SELF?

For me it's all about finding out (or re-remembering) what I love, what nurtures me (including all the parts of mySELF: emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual) - and doing more of it!

One of the most helpful things for me to remember is that I have to connect with SELF daily (and when life gets hectic, even more frequently); it's not a once-and-done thing. But so often there's something I want to do first - so I tell myself: "I'll spend SELF time later." You probably know how that works out.

I struggle with making time for self-care (which is another way to say connecting with SELF) - I think many women do. Caring for others first seems to come naturally.

I find it hard to remember the oxygen-on-the-airplane rule (you know that one, right? If there's trouble on the airplane you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first), before helping others - because you can't help others if you're in distress (or passed out).

But community really is an inside job! I've seen proof that when I start from the connected-to-SELF state, I'm SO much readier for healthy community.

How about you - do you find that connecting with SELF first helps you prepare for community? And how do you go about connecting with yourSELF?

 

Adapted from a guest post I wrote for the Community section of Bliss Habits, December 2011.

 

Comments

[Kimberley McGill]

Great post!

That's what the last few years have been for me. what I've discovered is that the connection with myself is like any other relationship I want to nurture. For example, if I ignore my sweet man not listening to or diminishing his dreams, if I make unreasonable demands of him - well, our relationship would not be what it is. But I've done that to me.

Like you said so very well, it's not a once and done thing. I have to nurture the relatioship with me every day. Some days I do better than others - but overall I have the best relationship with me now than I ever had.

I'm grateful to all the "teachers" I've had both online and off!

[Terri]

So true for me too Karen what you say about community being an internal job first. And so true what happens to you when you try and be a part of community when you aren't connected to yourself, well same thing happens to me. There is something not quite honest about it (not in a malicious way) because I am seeking approval more so than connection to community. Then I've opened myself up for all those not so fun emotions to appear.

I'd like to add that sometimes when I am very distant from myself, it helps me to be with someone briefly and get a little of myself reflected back through the other person. That really helps get me on my way to connecting with myself again.

Your posts are deeply thought-provoking and stimulating. Reading your posts seems to encourage me to know myself better, improve on something or revise my thinking about myself and be more connected to myself. What a gift!