Connection and communication matter A LOT to me!
I wrote the piece below back in 2007 (it was called Ain't I Communicatin'? back then). I've shared it in a number of places through the years, and it feels like time to share it again. It's one of my favorite pieces, mostly because it always elicits discussion. And, well - I love connection and communicating!
Can we talk?
A few months ago, if you were a fly on the wall at my house, you would have heard lots of musical conversation:
"Get that damn guitar out of the living room!"
"Didn't I tell you to keep those f-ing drum sticks off my chair?"
Now, however, with the advent of my (3 year old) grand-daughter's live-in status, talk is much less "musical". Recent things you might have heard would include:
"What did I tell you about putting Vikings in your mouth?" (My daughter to my grand-daughter, as the latter was again chewing on one of her "little mens" - figurines she plays with nearly continuously).
and:
"Happy Mothers' Day, we peed your bed" (My grand-daughter - to me - magnanimously including her auntie - who swears she did not pee the bed, after they spend the night in my bed due to painting in their room).
All the (above) sentences have a reason - pronouncement, demand, whatever... - they do communicate, but they're not my favorite kind of communication. My favorite is the kind where thoughts and feelings are shared - two-sided conversations.
It seems that lately I've had to look harder for these kinds of conversation - what I would call "true communication". Have you noticed that too?
Not long ago I was part of this "conversation" (using the term very loosely):
Acquaintance: "What have you been up to?"
Me: (enthusiastically) "My daughter and I are re-doing the kitchen. We've...
Acquaintance (interrupting): "Meanwhile..."
"Meanwhile..." - then she went on to tell me what she'd been up to. "Meanwhile"?!?! - no comment on what I'd said, not even a slight hint that I'd been heard.
I had the sensation of not being listened to - you know that feeling where it's like the words bounce back at you - like they're not going anywhere? Being interrupted by my acquaintance at the beginning of the second sentence (with that awkward segue into her own speech) pretty much justified the feeling.
That's a particularly crass (but factual, unfortunately) example of less-than-true-communication. I've been part of and/or overheard way too many of these kinds of non-communications lately.
Another kind of non-communication is where people have the formula down - each talks, then leaves a space for the other to talk, but their words are like two parallel roads - they never meet. I imagine that Martin Buber would've call this It-It communication.
Why is true communication so scarce? Are we too busy, too bored, too scared? Communication is our blood - it feeds our cells, takes away impurities - it matters! Don't we all love hearing people's stories - having our own be heard?
What do we get out of talking without listening to each other? What is the point? And at what cost?
We've got this beautiful gift of speech (or writing) - the ability to connect - the ability to impart joy, hope and encouragement to each other. The ability to share wonders (and horrors too) - to share heart and mind - ups and downs - to hear and be heard - let's use it!
Wanna talk?
What does real communication mean to YOU? And where do you find it?
I so hear you. Used to be what my day was mostly made of. Because I ached to connect I gradually redirected myself. Withdrew from conversations (and work!) that wasn't deeper. Scare the hell outta me. But the other was suffocating, so at the time -scary or not - it was the lesser 'evil' if you like.
I also had to ask myself to make the first conversational moves. Put out what I wanted and be okay when I didn't get it back. Whiles watching to see if my own judgements/assumptions stood in the way of 'more.' Which was a trip & a half at times.
Other than for the odd extended family conversation or small talk in the grocery store (even there things have spontaneously surprised me sometimes), there's very little conversation lite.
Posted by: Lissa | Wednesday, 22 February 2012 at 03:22 PM
Funny this should be your topic tonight. I've just spent the first day I can remember in a long long time, with a group of like-minded women, talking, laughing, listening, sharing. I had no deadlines. I was comfortable in my own skin. I thought to myself, is this what friendship is all about? THe conversations weren't particularly "deep". We didn't solve any world problems. Instead we shared bits of ourselves. Share, I think, being the operative word. I have to say it was just what this girl needed.
P.S. I often find that the small talk in grocery store lines can be much more meaningful than strained conversations across the Thanksgiving table.
Posted by: Merry ME | Wednesday, 22 February 2012 at 09:15 PM
Isn't that the hardest thing, Lissa - letting go of the demon we know for the one we don't (that lesser evil thing you mentioned)?
I wound up doing much the same thing - pulling back and restarting (in a sense) my whole connection method. Hard stuff, but so worth it!
Love what you said here: "I ached to connect" - that's one of our deepest needs & yet so much gets layered on top (ideas we take in from our culture, media, education, etc) that we forget it. The next __(fill in the blank) seems to be what we need - connection (to ourSELF, others & Source) left for later - sigh. It's beautiful to hear that you allow yourself the feeling/the desire to connect!
Thanks so much for commenting & connecting, Lissa!
p.s. "conversation lite" - love it!
Posted by: Square-Peg Karen | Thursday, 23 February 2012 at 11:48 AM
Merry ME, your day with "like-minded women" sounds gorgeous!
Your sharing "bits of ourselves" would fit my definition of deep - world problems or no. And the sharing, Oh! that's sooo wonderful!
I am grinning ear to ear about your day - so happy for you. Thanks for sharing about it here!
Posted by: Square-Peg Karen | Thursday, 23 February 2012 at 11:53 AM
Love this conversation about the lack of conversations.
I think that all these non-communications btwn ppl come down to two things: 1) worry that when revealing something about yourself you'll be criticized, mocked &/or ignored by others; and 2) lack of self-awareness that results in you having no idea how you come across to other people.
Put these two variables together and no one is attending to what the other person has to say, which leads to non-communication. Unfortunately.
Posted by: Ally Bean | Thursday, 23 February 2012 at 06:24 PM
A lot of talking with nothing being said is my idea of hell incarnate these days. I realised recently that I prefer to be in solitude than in that kind of environment. I can also see the shortfalls in my attitude!!
I can so relate to Merry Me - it doesn't need to be heavy deep stuff, it's more the connection, being seen, being heard, being valued. I do think deadlines play a big part in such connection and communication faltering.
Fabby post, thank you
Posted by: Jackie Walker | Friday, 24 February 2012 at 11:14 AM
I'm with Jackie. I pretty much stay away from situations where I don't have REAL two way communication. Perhaps people who don't do this experience a lot more suffering... this may be the big answer to many of our human ills. Great post!
Posted by: Kathy from Bliss Habits | Friday, 24 February 2012 at 02:24 PM
I mentioned this on FB, but I think one of the main reasons most people develop such unproductive communication habits is that we never realize that there is an alternative. We see what we have observed in the world--interruption, chaos and confusion--as normal and we experience that in our communication with one another.
No one stops and teaches us how to properly listen and draw out the meaning from our partner's words. We don't know how to properly verify that we're interpreting that meaning as they actually meant it.
That, for me is a HUGE step in more effective communication...developing a system or method for verifying the meaning another was trying to convey. When someone is assured that their meaning has been understood, it brings great healing and understanding to the dialogue.
Posted by: StevenERice | Friday, 24 February 2012 at 03:06 PM
Why is true communication scarce? I think it's because, starting in early childhood, most people never get the attention they need. As a result, they have no attention for anyone else. Frustrating, but true. When I've just had a good venting session, it's amazing how much more attention I have to listen to someone else!
Now when I hear myself ranting or venting or cutting someone off, I know it's time for me to find someone who can safely and lovingly give me the attention I need, so that I can free up my attention for everyone else in my life!
Posted by: Melissa Dinwiddie | Friday, 24 February 2012 at 05:16 PM
Fascinating post and absolutely true. I've just been having a conversation with my 11 year old son about why he likes his video game so much. "It's for the connections, Mom! I've met 16 new people just this week." I find myself torn...on the one hand I'm glad he likes playing games with the other people, strategizing and all, but on the other hand, I'm afraid it will get in the way of his communication with the real, live people around him. I don't want to force him to try to be friends with people just because they're geographically close. Honestly, a lot of our neighbor kids are less then kind. But if my son spends the majority of his social time on-line, is that going to sabotage his face-to-face relationships? I think I'll just keep trying to offer him a wide range of times and places to meet real, kind people. Karate class and the farmers market for now.
Thanks for this post. It was nice to be able to think out-loud with like-minded folks! xoxoxo Pam
Posted by: Pam Belding | Saturday, 25 February 2012 at 10:16 AM
Ally, you just might have pinned it here!
As I read your 2 variables I was thinking of others (like: head-up-the-butt-syndrome, grin), but anything I thought of still fit into one of those 2 variables (head-up-the-butt-syndrome is definitely connected to "lack of self-awareness")...
Now I'm wondering how we (any of us who notice these things and are hoping for more real communication/connection in the world) might help people get past those blocks (without bulldozing through, which - obviously - would NOT create real communication)...
Hmm, lots to think about! Thanks for your thought-provoking comment, Ally!
Posted by: Square-Peg Karen | Monday, 27 February 2012 at 09:55 AM
Thanks for commenting, Jackie! Ooooh, I hear you about "hell incarnate"!!
I'm notseeing the shortfalls in preferring solitude to what I think of as energy-wasting noncommunication. Never venturing out of solitude to look for and engage in real communication seems like something unpleasant, but being alone compared to being alone with someone who doesn't connect seems wise.
I so agree with you and Merry Me - it's the connection and value that matter! Also agree with you about deadlines; I'm just noticing how much they affect me and my own communication/connection patterns (even self-imposed deadlines).
Posted by: Square-Peg Karen | Monday, 27 February 2012 at 10:05 AM
: ) Thanks, Kathy! I think lack of connection/communication is definitely at the root of many of our human ills -
and now I'm wondering (you and Ally, who commented above - have really got me thinking about this) how we can/if we can/what we can do to infuse some connection/communication into the world???
Posted by: Square-Peg Karen | Monday, 27 February 2012 at 10:09 AM
Steven - wow! I'm sitting here wondering (and yakking - above) how (or if) folks who love connection/communication can help bring more of it to the world - and I think you've got the answer here!!
Thanks for commenting, Steven - and thanks for sharing your ideas, I'm very psyched about this!!
Posted by: Square-Peg Karen | Monday, 27 February 2012 at 11:15 AM
This is an incredibly heart-opening comment, Melissa - I love the sweet self-care you describe here - the way you notice and tend to your needs (which then, of course, helps you be open and available for others).
Beautiful - thanks for sharing!!
Posted by: Square-Peg Karen | Monday, 27 February 2012 at 11:18 AM
Oh Pam - this threw me back a decade or so...the specifics are different, but there's a big similarity here. My son was about the age yours is now and wanted to quit baseball (and he was unbelievably good at baseball - lived and breathed it from toddler-hood).
I didn't know what to do with/for him - he had an obvious gift and didn't want to exercise (no pun intended) it anymore. You wrote that you're going to "keep trying to offer him a wide range of ..." - and I did something similar
and bottom line: we both connected/communicated with our boys about what we saw and worried about AND we listened to them about their feelings/thoughts, that's BIG (and that's a lesson in connection/communication we pass on to them).
Hard stuff - but you obviously have a great mommy heart!! So glad you thought out loud here, thanks!
p.s. My son never went back to baseball, but he dove head-first into music - was composing by the time he was 12.
Posted by: Square-Peg Karen | Monday, 27 February 2012 at 11:39 AM
Wow, Melissa, thank you for saying that. It is an answer to something that's bothering me at the moment. Real important to get our needs for attention met, isn't it? Then we can meet it for others. Now I get it and understand what's bothering me about something that happened today.
Posted by: Terri | Friday, 09 March 2012 at 12:31 AM
Karen, ever since I read this 2 weeks or so ago, I've been thinking about communication. The more I thought the deeper it got, in a good way. I am glad I came back here and read it again and read comments that have been posted. Lots of good stuff here.
Posted by: Terri | Friday, 09 March 2012 at 12:37 AM