Square-Peg Philosophy

 

I want to share something with you. This message (the one below, called Allow!) is at the core of Square-Peg People - it's vital (and self-loving) on a zillion levels.

I found it when I was dismantling the old site. And though I'm itching to revamp the message, put it into my current writing voice, I just wanna get it to you!!

So...I was thinking that maybe, as you read it, you could imagine me poking you in the ribs and pointing to something silly (like the picture above) every few sentences - that way we'd bring in more of my current style :)

P.S. The title references grief, the message is very much written to folks who are grieving, but it's a message for ALL of us. I'll even go so far as to say it's for ALL of us ALL the time - there's a lot of loss (and gain) in each day - and being gentle with ourselves (as well as being mindful about our losses) is good self-care!

ALLOW Yourself to Grieve:
honoring your personal grief journey*

*When I speak of grief/grieving I am not talking only about losing a loved one. We grieve many and varied losses in our lives and can often use the same methods to assist ourselves.

If you are grieving you've probably heard at least one of these:

"Keep busy, it'll take your mind off things."
"It's time to get on with your life!"
"He (she) is better off now."

None of these honor your particular experience or expression of loss. They are designed to get you to push your feelings away, to ignore your personal grief timetable, and to "assist" you in getting back to the way things were (to who YOU were) before your loss. But the strong, deep feelings of grief about the loss that has occurred cannot be easily (or health-fully) ignored!

Many times the people saying these things are either uncomfortable with strong emotion or don't know how to offer support to someone who is experiencing loss.

The direct opposite of these non-supportive statements, and the most important principle of self-care (particularly during times of mourning), is: ALLOW!

Allow yourself to:

• feel
• think
• socialize
• rest
• talk

AND their opposites: don't feel, don't think, don't socialize, don't rest, don't talk.

Just ALLOW! Value - honor - your unique process of feeling, thinking, and experiencing life and loss.

Grief often feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you: you lose your equilibrium, your sense of how to BE in the world. Bringing ALLOW into your self-care work can provide a bit of stabilization.

Here are some examples of incorporating the principle of ALLOW:

Allow yourself to feel. This can run from anger to sadness to numbness (a kind of not-feeling) and everything in between. Your emotions will probably fluctuate a lot.

Try to feel without judging, allowing your feelings to be whatever they are. You don't have to act on your feelings. It's helpful to remember that YOU are not your feelings. In other words, you can feel very nasty toward a person - even hateful - and that does not make you a nasty or hateful person, just a person who is having a nasty or hateful feeling.

When you want to allow yourself not to feel you can do something physical - work in the garden, or do the dishes.

Allow yourself to think about your loss - about your loved one, your future or past. Perhaps you wish to plan some type of long term memorial - a garden, a grouping of pictures, a piece of art or letter/story that describes your loved one. When this becomes too overwhelming, or you feel that you need or desire a break from thinking - move your body. Take a walk, clean or organize, do a craft. Or, "move" your mind by placing it somewhere else - read or watch TV.

Allow yourself to socialize or not depending on how you feel. People will often attempt to convince you that getting out - going to social gatherings - will help you. Only you know if this is true at each particular moment. If you feel awkward turning down a number of socializing requests, it might be helpful to remind yourself (and assure the people who are wishing to spend time with you) that you have not decided to become a hermit - you are just honoring your need for alone time now.

Allow yourself to talk about the person who died. Don't be afraid of the negative - sometimes we have a tendency to make saints out of everyone we've lost. This doesn't honor the person they really were.

When my paternal grandmother died my cousins and I sat around uncomfortably reminiscing over funny and sweet things about her. After we'd gone on with these sweet memories (and discomfort) for awhile, someone broke the tension by mentioning what a strict disciplinarian our grandmother was. We all laughed - tension and discomfort gone. It seemed that the less-than-sweet comment brought us closer and we could talk honestly; we didn't have to pretend that our grandmother was perfect.

Again, allow yourself not to talk about the person who has died when you do not wish to - even if someone else thinks it is a good idea.

More often you will probably find that people shy away from talking to you about your loss or your loved one. People can misguidedly assume that if they bring up your loss they will make you uncomfortable - as if in not mentioning your grief you will be spared feeling it. If you wish to talk about your loved one and/or your feelings of loss, honor your desire to do so.

Allow yourself to rest. Grief is hard work and you will probably need more rest than usual. You can think of rest time as refueling. Rest will mean different things to different people. For you it could be a nap, a time to sit and read or daydream. It could mean time to zone out in front of the TV, or to meditate or pray.

Also allow yourself not to rest - if you wish to keep busy, honor that.

There are many ways to nurture and support yourself during times of grief. Please know that there is NO right way to grieve. No self-care methods are better than others. Honor YOUR own ever-changing way!

Comments

[Gin]

This is beautiful, Karen... such wise words, and so helpful. Thank you...

[Kimberley McGill]

These words mean so much for me. So much loss in the last 7 years - a pet, my beautiful daughter's deth, my ex-husband's death, loss of some of my health, no longer being able to work .... and I am not unique in all this loss and grief. There have been gains too, but it's the losses so many people around me don't want to know about.

This current loss, of my health, brought some unexpected and painful responses from a couple of friends and neighboors. And some people just don't call or come around anymore.

Thank you so much for reposting this. It validates that the path I've taken to healing is healthy and heart opening.

Now, as for the Ass family. They are a quirky lovable lot - I know one of their cousins named "Bet-Your-Ass". He's broke, but very nice guy.

I love your mix of depth and humor, Karen!

[Square-Peg Karen]

You're so welcome, Gin <3 Thank YOU for your kind words!

[Square-Peg Karen]

I'm so glad that the post validates the path you're taking, Kimberley - and so sorry to hear of the fall-out from your losses (as well as the losses themselves)!

I know a little about that kind of fall-out. The sentence stuck (somewhat haphazardly) toward the beginning of the post: "Many times the people saying these things are either uncomfortable with strong emotion or don't know how to offer support to someone who is experiencing loss."

came after a lot of mulling over of my own experience dealing with people who didn't want to hear about my loss, or be around me when I was going through it...I felt the need to stick something about that in the post, but it would take pages (as I'm sure you know) to deal with that topic properly - sigh! My heart goes out to you <3

Kimberley, I think we share that "mix of depth and humor" - and I love seeing it in YOU! Giggling about the Ass cousin you know!!

[Maribeth]

Oh I LOVE THIS LOVE THIS LOVE THIS. Did I say I REALLY love this :) My grief coaching website will be permissiontogrieve.com as in permission to grieve obviously. Society just doesn't give us that and we all need a compassionate community. I'm so happy to include you in my compassionate community Karen. You are a gift! ♥

[Maribethdoerr]

PS - did I mention how much I love this post? ;) I do! I do!

[Square-Peg Karen]

Thank you, Maribeth ♥

I'm jumping up and down about the name for your grief coaching site! What a fantastic name - and premise to base your coaching on!! And I'm so happy to include YOU in my compassionate community. Muah!

[Square-Peg Karen]

lol - yes, I think you might have mentioned it <3