Square-Peg People

35 Tips for Making a Comeback

Excerpts from
Susan T. Blake's e-book:

Remember to Look Up:
35 Tips for Making a Comeback
in Your Job, Career, or Life

 

Making a Comeback When Times Are Tough

Everyone encounters setbacks. It doesn’t really matter whether you’ve lost a job, lost a loved one through divorce or death, or lived through a natural disaster: Life-changing events happen to everyone at some point, and when your life has been disrupted, you have to make a Comeback. (Or not—it’s actually up to you.)

Sometimes the setback is less life-changing, but it’s a setback none-the-less: A project you’ve been working on has been cancelled (or failed in some way), you’ve been re-assigned, your department has been reorganized. Now what? You may have decisions to make, but you just don’t feel capable of making them at this moment.

Or maybe your life hasn’t been disrupted, but you’re feeling stuck and you need a Reframe. Reframes can disrupt your life too, so be careful what you ask for. Don’t worry, though—This little handbook can help with that, too.

The 35 tips in this handbook are all life lessons from my life. Some require discipline, others only openness. My life isn’t your life, but we’re not so different. At times we all have to rethink who we are, what we want, and what we want to be doing.

If you choose to Reframe or Make a Comeback, come on in! Hopefully this will help, and maybe give you a laugh or two at the same time. And that always helps.

1. Give Yourself a Break

Some things are within our control, and some things are not. Shit happens. We make mistakes. We fail. The challenge is to learn from it and move on.

At some point in my life I realized that as long as I tried to be perfect, I would always fail. Ouch! A life doomed to failure! That’s a depressing thought. So I decided to focus on being Darned Good. I succeed pretty frequently at that. Not always—I still fail. But I’d rather fail, admit it, learn from it, and move on than be stuck in always comparing myself to Perfection and always failing. Know what that leads to? Cover-ups. Dishonesty. Despair. Who needs that?

So you need a Comeback. Maybe life dealt you a cruel blow. Maybe you did it to yourself. Maybe it was a combination. Accept it, learn from it, make amends if necessary (and possible), and let’s move on.

Do you know the Serenity Prayer? “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Whether or not you want to involve God, those three steps are a pretty good place to start a Comeback.

 

Susan offers 34 more Comeback tips in her beautiful e-book - see note below for download information.

© 2010 Susan T. Blake
Shared with permission of the author

Susan T. Blake is a consultant, coach, writer, and photographer who lives in Northern California with her two cats, Abby and Rocket. She loves gardening, bicycling, and singing, and she is a self-confessed jigsaw puzzle addict. "Remember to Look Up" grew out of her experiences as a widow, laid-off corporate professional and woman with a stubborn curious streak.

Susan shares more of her wisdom on her website - where you can download (for a limited time: no cost, no sign-up) the e-book that the intro and tip #1 (above) came from.

Thanksgiving Day Repeat

The post below is from last year's Thanksgiving. This year (well, just right now - thanks to a knitting pattern from Hell) I am cranky.  

Happy Thanksgiving, Dear Readers (Happy Thursday to those of you not celebrating North America's national holiday). 

Happy (Cranky) Thanksgiving

I'm not really cranky right now, more like frazzled - and when Manchild was fussing with the wooden hand model (above) - sticking it in and out of his jacket (he's an odd fellow) I pictured it as the supreme simpleminded/sillyass Thanksgiving centerpiece - sort of a testament to my frazzledness.

A person who was less frazzled might have done the idea justice - I just sat it on the buffet, stuck some leaves around it and jammed the ceramic turkey (that Manchild painted when he was Boychild) behind it all.

I wish any and all who celebrate the holiday a Happy Thanksgiving - and many moments of laughter (which I am every-so grateful for). And for those of you not celebrating the holiday, I wish you even more moments of laughter. 

You can start laughing when you think of those of us who are starting very last minute in getting holiday things rolling - and who are frazzled and dopey and dropping things and ready to bite people - oooh, that's me - so maybe I am a little cranky....

Encouragement

Holidays. Holidaze. Holi-fricking-falalala-days.

For a couple years I've felt bah humbugish about the holidays. Things (a lot of things - a lot of relationships - a lot) have changed for me in the past few years, which has made the holiday rush and rah rah feel like even more pressure!

Holiday time can be hard. Even people who are having a smooth ride can have rough patches during the holidays - and for people who are on a rocky road - ohhhh, dealing with the holidays can be so discouraging!

Everywhere there are Hallmark reminders of what the holidays are supposed to be like - mix those with our own desires and delusions and - ugh! - the blahs. 

I knew I couldn't be the only one feeling that way (and I knew that inner support - and stories - would help), so...I reached out to some writer friends and asked: would you like to offer our readers (and ourselves) solace & encouragement for the holiday season (coz sometimes it gets rough) - by sharing personal stories about times when we've connected with our own inner support?

And they answered!

And so, on Monday (the 22nd) we'll be hosting the Support Stories ~ Strength from Within blog round-robin right here - where we'll have a list of links to all the contributors - and where we hope to hear your stories.

Please consider this your warm hearted (opposite of bah humbug) invitation - I hope YOU'll come share in the encouragement and inspiration! 

 

Highly Sensitive?

 

I discovered (while researching something completely different) that I just might be diagnosable as an Highly Sensitive Person.

Among the list of HSP descriptors* the ones that got my attention were:

• very sensitive
• very affected by other people's moods/emotions
• very easily overwhelmed
• very deep (and wide) reflective life (another way to say this would be: huge imagination)
• very deep need to avoid change
• very adorable (ok, that's completely my own addition - not a paraphrase at all, but I stand by it!).

Directly prior to stumbling onto the HSP** site I experienced some intense emotions around Major League Baseball events.

The baseball thing started with me crying over pitcher J.A. Happ leaving the Phillies.

I'd heard about the trade prior to the Phillies vs. Diamondbacks game, and was already upset by it. But then there was the press conference - argh.

A well of tears formed behind my eyes when I watched Happ talking to the press.

You see, I didn't know he had blue eyes - but apparently he does. And his blue peepers were (in my opinion) filled with sadness. The tears spilled (mine, not his - at least not during the press conference).

The game started - and, at some time during his commentary, Sarge (Gary Matthews - ex-Philly, now tv announcer) made a comment in connection with the trade. He mentioned something like: "...the first time you're traded your heart breaks. You wonder why they didn't want you?..."

So a few more tears slid down my face. By that time I needed a tissue box (sniffle, sniffle).

Then there was Ibanez's home run. A girl in the stands caught the ball - ok, she didn't catch the ball - she picked it up as it rolled down the aisle she was in. But she was excited! Then she seemed to get overwhelmed and started to cry - hard.

I moved the tissue box to my lap - tears rolled.

The game went on without incident and I started to think that maybe my HSP status only applied to baseball situations.

But the next day I had to deal with a death in the family - my car. And there were more over-the-top reactions/emotions.

After dealing with a lovely AAA fellow who came to tow my car (but found it only needed a jump), who did checks and double checks so we'd know it was safe to drive to the mechanics...

and then dropping the (once-thought-to-be-dead) car off at our friendly mechanic's (who took time to come out and chat - a very friendly man)...

I went home and had to go into a room by myself to cry. Sigh.

So it looks like I am officially an HSP. And so, as a member of the clan, I'd like to talk about that handle...

Couldn't we come up with a better acronym? HSP (for Highly Sensitive Person) sounds like the noise a snake would make. How about Highly Agitated Person? Nah, that's HAP - which is too close to Happ (the Phillies pitcher who got traded - wah).

There's EAP, Easily Agitated Person - but that is too close to the squealy sound someone might make (while jumping back) when they saw a mouse.

Hearing that acronym - and having to repeat it - would forever make me think of someone squealing and jumping back. And just the idea of someone jumping back and squealing (when it's related to me!) is upsetting - makes me weepy...

Easily Aroused Person has the same sound as Easily Agitated Person (EAP, the mouse thing), but it's worse because it's got euphemistic possibilities.

Highly Volitile Person? Highly Reactive Person? Both have negative connotations - and don't make for an easily pronounceable acronym.

Highly Upset Person? Highly Emotional Person? Negative connotations. And there's a slightly military (HUP/HEP = marching) sound to the acronym.

Highly...you know what? Let's forget it - Highly Sensitive Person was just fine.

~ ~ ~

*this list is totally altered and paraphrased from the link below (and other sources I located when I got interested in the topic). If you're interested in finding out more about HSP please check out the HSP link.

**this is the site of the author of the book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

Out of Frustration - Guest Post by Tara Sophia Mohr

 

 

Out of Frustration
Guest Post by Tara Sophia Mohr

 

I’m incredibly grumpy this morning. Angry at everyone and no one in particular. Frustrated. Short-tempered.

It’s shame there’s not a gang of four year old boys in my apartment building, because I’d be the most enthusiastic adult growler and teeth gnasher they’d every played with.

We could have a fabulous monster or dinosaur simulation for hours, and it would be truly be a win-win for all. Expressing all that “raarrr” energy I have this morning would feel good. Plus there are only so many times and I can answer my husband’s “what’s up?”” with a wide-eyed hissing and my hands molded into grasping claws.

(Please understand, I’m not hissing at him. We’ve just found sometimes it’s easier to show each other just the kind of mood we’re in, rather than having to find words for it.)

What’s the cause of my malaise? Not sure. I think it’s a cocktail of hormones, resentment at a very overfull week, and some stinging experiences I had last week from which I haven’t quite recovered.

I’ve been through the “fix it” cravings this morning. I wanted a sugar-free vanilla half-caf latte to fix my mood. I wanted snapping at my family to fix it. I wanted a hot shower to fix it. I wanted getting back in the bed and cuddling with my husband to fix it.

And of course, none of those things did. A little caffeine did make things a little better. My husband’s hugs made it all seem less desperate, but my mood didn’t change much.

What Wants To Be Born?

Somewhere along the way this morning, I remembered a quote I came across recently in the twitterverse: “Frustration is often a really good sign that something is wanting to be born.” It’s from Cheryl Richardson, the fabulous advocate of self-care, and the life coach Oprah introduced to the world in the 90’s.

These words immediately resonated. I loved the spirit of them. I could see how, in the face of frustration, they’d turn my attention from the negative --what I felt frustrated about--to the positive—the alternative that I wanted.

Typically, when we feel frustrated, our focus and energies then get stuck in two areas:

• The feeling of being frustrated 
• The circumstances or person that is frustrating us (and the blame, resentment, venting, and plotting that often comes with that)

Our minds and emotions go there, rather than to what we want, to the dream or desire that lies behind the frustration.

This is what Cheryl’s words highlighted for me: behind every frustration, there is a dream. There is a desire.

This morning, feeling frustrated, I tried to put this idea into practical application. I asked myself, “Tara, my dear, what is it that you are so grumpy/pissed/angry/frustrated about?”

I came up with a list of five things, including three different work experiences – all of which involved having committed myself to things that really weren’t worth the effort expended. I was also feeling frustrated around a financial situation, and I was still angry about a troubling experience I had had the previous week.

For each of those five, I asked myself, what do you want here? What, as Cheryl Richardson would say, was wanting to be born?

It was true: under each of my five frustrations I found something that was waiting, almost quietly, to be born. There were changes in me just emerging, and my external life hadn’t caught up to my new desires.

Underneath my work frustrations, for example, was a desire to become more selective and strategic about speaking engagements and writing articles. Underneath my frustration about a sexist experience I had had the previous week was a desire to get involved in some social change work around this issue of women’s (lack of) leadership in the Silicon Valley business world.

I often expect myself to be clear about what I want proactively – to sit down and dream it up. But my life doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes I learn what I want through frustration with what is. In that way, frustration can really be my ally and my oracle.

3 Simple Steps for Working With Frustration

If you want to use frustration constructively in your own life, and move through the frustration of frustration more rapidly, follow this simple process:

• Ask yourself, what do I feel frustrated about? Journal, letting whatever comes up come up.
• For each area of frustration, ask yourself, “What is the dream or desire behind this frustration? What wants to be born here?”
• Turn your focus brainstorming, visioning, planning and action to create what you articulated in #2.

A little tip: Watch out that your list for #2 reflects things that are within your control. For example, if your dream/desire is “Susie (my critical boss) gives me regular recognition at work” you’ve set yourself up for a tough time bringing that into action.

Go deeper to identify the state of being or feeling you are seeking—that state of being you think the external change would cause. For example maybe what you want underneath that desire for Susie to change is that you, “feel recognized at work” or “feel confident and emotionally safe at work.” You can work on these in a number of ways – whether Susie changes or not. Get the idea?

I’d love to hear: how does all of this apply to frustrations you feel now? How do you utilize and move through frustration in your life?

Love,

Tara

Tara Mohr is a writer, coach and personal growth teacher who helps people connect with their own inner wisdom. She blogs at Wise Living. You can also click here to receive her unconventional Goals Guide, “Turning Your Goals Upside Down and Inside Out to Get What You Really Want.”

*photo copyright © 2010 Lauren Caterson

Gifts From the Underworld

 

What am I bringing back from the Underworld?

Well, I learned a lot about communication in my Underworld experience. I don't have all of it figured out yet (life long learning stuff, I think), but here's what I'm getting so far:

First, I learned that threatening promising to talk about what I learned in the Underworld is a sure-fire way to keep myself from accessing what I learned in the Underworld.

I'm not sure if this is part of my Square-Peg rebellious nature, or whether it's just part of human nature -- that when I/we say "I'll tell you more later" - all of a sudden the doors to understanding are locked and the key is g o n e. But I "get" it - I think I'll try to stop saying: "I'll tell you more about this later" - and wait until I've processed things to mention them - or not.

Second, I learned how important it is to talk about where we're at. There is a universality in the Underworld experience - especially this time (a universality and an intensity, who knows why) - that it was important (for me, anyway) to know about. It was quite affirming to hear that others were having the same experience. The "it's not just me" thing is vital.

Third, I learned that it's important for me to keep some of my process under my hat (figuratively speaking, because I don't often - or ever, really - wear hats).

It might seem like I'm just repeating what I said about the First thing I learned - and sort of contradicting what I said in the Second thing I learned - but not really.

My Third thing involves what I learned about communicating with friends. So often lately I've flung train loads of brain dust toward my friends. Some of that is just fine - not every discussion is going to be heavy-duty.

But, I noticed that I was doing almost all my processing outwardly - in talking to or e-mailing friends - and that is not good. Reflection is - at least first (if not mostly) internal.

And yet - it's wildly important to share (Second thing I learned) about where you're at. A contradiction - a paradox even. But truth nevertheless.

I wonder what your thoughts are on this process sharing/process holding thing?? Would love to know!

If you're still in the Underground you will probably be both delighted and helped by the wonderful Creative Life Coach, Jude Spack's, article on Mud Season (Mud Season sounds to me like The Underworld).

There's a section in Jude's post called "Why Not Wallow?" and another called "Don't Control, Relate Instead" -- and the whole article is gorgeous -- a beautiful blend of encouragement and wisdom (like Jude herself!). Even in you're not currently in the Underworld you might want to bookmark this beauty!!

I'm going to share more of my thoughts about the Underworld tomorrow (ah, just wanted to contradict myself here -- directly in opposition to the First thing because hey, "I am large, I contain multitudes" (thank you, Mr. Whitman).

The Day AFTER The Last Day of Whining

 
subtitled (tentatively) Signs of Spring

When I woke up this morning I felt weary - not exactly news, that's been my default setting lately.

But yesterday a friend of mine declared (for herself, though I quickly chimed in with: "Me too!") "This will be my last day of whining". So here we are at the day after the last day of whining.

So there's to be no whining today. What to do with the weary feeling - the draggy thing - the oh-c'mon-why-not-roll-over-and-sleep-til-Spring thing?

First I tried ignoring "the thing". That never works, but I tried anyway. It didn't work. Big surprise.

Then I did my Morning Pages (ala Julia Cameron, which I used to do - which I did, now that I think of it, during my most productive/energized times) because that helps get the cobwebs out of my head (and spares my dear friends who do not need thousands and thousands of whiney words in their e-mail boxes!).

That helped a little. The monkey on my back (who's name is Stress, and who's been visiting lately - though I honestly don't "get" it - I've always been so laid back - where the hell did this monkey come from - but I digress...) started to look sleepy. I think he might be napping. That's always good.

And then I remembered something Slightly-Brit sent me the other day - links to her favorite yoga videos (she's nursing a twisted ankle and swollen knee - and she swears by yoga). Aha, I thought - yoga. What a great idea. I'll go check out the videos and see if there's one for yoga and mood change, yoga and depression, yoga and oh-shit-I-can't-be-whiney-today-coz-this-is-the-day-AFTER-the-last-whiney-day.

I didn't even go to the videos though. Half-way through my "Aha" moment, I remembered the Yoga and Depression ("That Was Yesterday") article that my friend Tina Marks Shirley (from ready-set-Free) shared with us on Square-Peg-People. Duh! I'm wondering how it is that I can forget so much!

Tina's article (with pictures, because otherwise - totally hopeless for me - I am not coordinated and the idea of figuring out how to move my body without pictures to guide me - oh, just scary!!) is easy to follow - I remembered that. And I followed along - did her easy yoga stretches - and I'm here to tell you I feel un-whiney.

There could be many reasons for my feeling un-whiney right now: it could be that the sun is shining now (it wasn't when I first woke up), it could be the birds singing outside the window, it could be that I made a decision to NOT be whiney and that changed everything (except I did that a bunch of other times and nothing happened, so...maybe not) or it could be Tina's yoga. Who knows?

I think I'll incorporate Tina's stretches into my morning for the next few days - along with the Morning Pages (though not at the same time - haha) - until, that is, I forget again...

If you'd like to join me in stretching toward Spring feelings come on over to Yoga and Depression ~ That Was Yesterday, by Tina Marks Shirley. We can pretend we're in class and giggle.

p.s. I'm still processing the Underworld stuff -- and I will get back to you on that (once I have an idea of where I'm at with it) - and hope YOU will share your journey experiences too! I'm reading, and cherishing, each comment and e-mail - even though it's taking me awhile to respond!

Falling Down at Keeping Up

I've invited you all to connect, to discuss things here at the blog (and on FB, where posts are automatically sent) and then - since I ventured into the Underworld - I haven't always responded and kept the conversations rolling.

Like that time I sent out party invites, but locked the door on party day and hid in the basement til the knocking stopped. Oh, wait! I never did that.

But I do have some funny experiences with doors that you might want to read about (just saying).

I'm sorry for the lapse in responses and I'm working on catching up with comments and e-mails. I'm also still trying to incorporate (or even figure out) what the heck the Underworld experience was all about...so it's going slow (catching up and figuring out).

Looking forward to more (and more) discussing and sharing each other's stories. Thanks for being here!!!

Bits and Pieces

Well, there you go...

The moment I got the title for this post up on the screen ("Bits and Pieces" - chosen because I wanted to share things from here, there and everywhere) I started writing this post...

where I talk a bit about coming up from the Underworld - a topic that I've been blocked on each time I tried to share my experience. Ah, funny how the mind works (or doesn't).

So, I'm back from the Underworld - and wondering about YOU...?

There were a number of folks who mentioned (in comments on the blog, on FB and in e-mails) going through a similar experience - and I wonder if our stories about coming back up are similar as well...??

I've come back without any diamonds this time.

Let me rephrase that: I'm not aware of any diamonds that I've brought back with me this time - although I have a vague sensing that I brought something back.

Maybe rough diamonds - maybe just hunks of coal with some sparkle mixed in - I'm not sure. They look a bit like plain coal and my thoughts about that aren't springy-happy (though I will say that I am so glad to be back).

One thought I had was: "Big whooping deal! Was it worth all that (the emotional pain, the near-teenage angst) - to bring back this (plain old coal)?"

And again, I wonder...

How did your upward journey go? Or are you still in the Underworld? Maybe I retreated too quickly and all the lovely women who were saying: "I'm here too!" are still there???

Funny Stuff

Hey folks, I'm up from the Underworld to share some funny stuff with you. A funny link and a funny video, not "funny stuff" - the likes of which we've been warned against.

(Just an aside - why were we warned against "funny stuff"? And what, in particular, was so funny about "funny stuff"? And, while we're on the subject, what was "funny stuff"?)*

I've been confused a lot lately - and I thought that you might get a giggle out of my latest confusion (and then I'll share the link and video):

I haven't been doing much computer gazing while I've been in the Underworld (bad connection, hahaha), but I do occasionally look in. Last night I got all excited because I got an announcement from Facebook, stating that a family friend, Josh Urban, was going to have a concert in Philadelphia in May.

I didn't go all the way over to Facebook (the effort, you know?), but I did open the e-mail and read the announcement. The whole announcement.

I've heard Josh play, but never seen him in a concert. I've been told that he's a great entertainer, so this was woooohooo wonderful. I told Manchild and Slightly-British Daughter and we all cheered. And I mentioned, in a note to his mother this morning, how excited we all were about Josh performing somewhere nearby. No question we'd be there!

She wrote back saying she had NO idea what I was talking about. So I grabbed the email to forward it to her - opened it again because I wanted to see the venue where he was playing (I'd forgotten). 

Oh! That Josh, Josh Ritter. Damn and hell. He's always impersonating our Josh. Needless to say I didn't forward it to his mother - and I stopped shaking my head wondering how the heck she could not know these things...

Here's a link to a post on the blog, Ink On My Hands. Slightly-Brit showed me this last night and I laughed heartily. There's nothing like a laugh. It felt so good!!!

Then Manchild showed me this ridiculous video (embedded below), which also had me holding my sides.

Both make fine use of indelicate language - just saying.

Don't you find that laughing helps when you're in the Underworld? Could you, would you - tell what's funny to YOU?

 

* WhollyJeanne, don't you give me grief about those quotation marks! (grin)